silence

No phone. No cohorts with whom to converse. No boats or the mosquito buzz of jet skis. Just quiet, peace and quiet. The water slipping past my board and a far off dog or two were the only sounds on my lake this quiet beautiful morning. After I reached my destination a little farther down the rocky coast, I set down my paddle and stretched out like a cat enjoying the warm fall sun. Floating and day dreaming my morning away was as close to heaven as I could imagine. My two boys were right where they were supposed to be and I had nothing on today's agenda other then my nemesis the grocery store. Procrastinating, maybe, but then it was my day off so there I lie, not moving a muscle. It's funny, as I grow older, this appreciation for absolute silence. I suppose all those days working in the din of a busy restaurant with pans and plates clanging and banging around me had something to do with it. All that chatter from coworkers and customers alike. Then I had a child. A child spends the first year crying and screaming and we had our ears glued to the baby monitor for every sound. To this day the sight of those walkie talkie monitors make me cringe. Nothing like being in a deep deep sleep only to be awakened by an infant's yell. Nervous was how I spent that first year. As a child grows we are introduced to a whole new bevy/cacophony of sounds. My child especially liked to "yodel" this very high pitched singing akin to the Vienna Boys Choir. He is also a talker, like his mama his dad would say. There are also numerous burps and farts. Admittedly I love a good loud burp or fart so I guess there again he is like his mama. I also have a revolving door of neighbors that take over the double rental next door. A constant barrage of yelling and swearing by a lowly sort. Not to mention the constant cars coming and going from the rental across the street. So yes this is just life. Daily percussion. It could be worse. It could be gunfire or bombing or screams of anguish, but these screams are just for one of the many children next door. I'm sure I've even contributed to these daily sounds being that I have a loud voice. Again I attribute it to yelling over people and noise from those restaurant years. Quick aside, prime example, as I sit at my counter writing, my little man feels the need to bang and scrape the plate across the bottom of our porcelain sink. No reason, just clang, clang, scrape, scrape, ugh, just put it in the dishwater. So you see, I have a low tolerance for noise or I should say, I have developed a low tolerance for noise. Years of migraines have also attributed to this being that every little sound makes me cringe in pain. I also have spent the past 20 years talking, a lot. Unavoidable in my careers of choice. Now, in my defense, I know I sound a bit like an old curmudgeon. In fact, I sound a bit like my father. Growing up, the first thing my dad would say upon entering a room where the t.v. was on was, "Can we turn this down a bit?" Every day, like clockwork. So I suppose a bit of that has rubbed off as well, I mean it IS genetics and we do turn into our parents no matter how hard we fight it. Now I am not so rigid as to not crank up the bass in the car or turn up a good song. I also love music while I'm working. Anything from sexy Lana del Ray to Billie Holiday. I especially appreciate the louder, raucous early years of Modest Mouse. As for my morning, I'd like to say I carried that sense of absolute calm throughout my day, but alas the total of this week's groceries had me quickly sliding into a slump. From peaceful to frustrated. Oh well, it worked for a little while. Life is all around us, loud and nasty, messy and chaotic. Finding the time to block it out for even a little while can be positively restorative unless, of course, you end up spending all your earnings on groceries that is. Good night world.

popular

Cheerleader, football players, movie stars, rock stars, these are the types of people that come to mind when I think of the word popular. Looking back on my high school days, I'm not even sure if we had a "popular" crowd. Our cheerleaders certainly weren't the creme de la creme and I don't remember our football team being aces either. If I remember correctly the cool kids were the ones smoking and partying. I had my go at cheerleading, but found it wasn't for me. I then turned to making money, that was more my speed. Landing my first retail job showed me a whole new world of "popular". Mall life was a bit like high school with new crushes to be had, new cliques to identify, and new friends to make. My first retail job was at Express. My managers were the coolest twenty something chicks and I aspired to be like them. They would slip me sips of their Chi Chi's daiquiris and margaritas at our after work hang outs. We would eat nachos and gossip about other mall employees and customers. I loved mall life! I got to wear cool clothes, hang out with the older "cooler" crowd, and get free records from the guy at Record Mart who had a crush on me and took me to see bands like the Cure and Howard Jones. In the years and jobs that followed there was always a clique or pecking order and establishing your place was the first order of business. As I got older I realized all one had to do to find their place was just be good at your job. If you were good, people left you alone. Today we have social media. A cyber monster based on friends and followers in which to gauge our self worth. A veritable playground for narcissists and egomaniacs. It is also the best advertising and marketing tool for businesses. In today's high tech world social media is a must. It is a way to buy, sell, and communicate. Unfortunately it has established this false sense of reality. All of a sudden we have all these "friends". Have you ever walked by one of your "friends" and they never even noticed you or looked at you then went right on with their business? It's a surreal feeling to know everything about this person yet when met face to face they don't recognize you. Instagram is another monster only this one demands followers. So instead of friends we have make believe "disciples". All these people clamoring to worship pictures of your life and swooning over the little snippets you allow to be seen as if we've suddenly become deities when we weren't looking. I mean really, it's not that often we show our "real" life through our devices. Who wants to see selfies of age lines or gained weight or messy houses? "Friend" or "unfriend"? To follow or not follow? We check and recheck our status and base our identities on how popular we've become through social media. Instafamous! It's all so funny to me. When I first learned about Facebook I stayed far far away. I was worried about everyone knowing my business. Business being the operative word. When my young employee started posting pictures of my little shop and my wares, I was tickled by the response. All of a sudden I had a whole new world to conquer that had never heard of me. The economy being as it was or still is for that matter, this was my solution to lagging sales. As my "friends" grew so did my income. Then along came Instagram. This was an even more direct way to boost my business. Hashtags opened that elusive portal to other vintage dealers, decorators, crafters, and collectors. I use this venue to primarily promote my business especially in my own city. I love having followers from all over yet they're not likely to just pop into the store and buy something. Interpersonal communication being so important in this techy world, I make a point to meet and greet my friends and followers when possible. Pictures are great, but don't always show the real person behind the camera. Communication and relationships are key to me. It's how I've always run my business or done my jobs. I enjoy my brick and mortar because with it I'm a part of the community. A real community not born from images. I've established my place in this town. I have personal connections with most of my customers and value the conversations and face to face stories of their lives. With my social media I am able to connect with people near or far yet I am most partial to my local customers. They are the ones walking in the door on a regular basis and keep me around year after year. Without them I am sunk. So yes, social media is fantastic. It is necessary to growing any venture. I am even guilty of a selfie or two. Do I base my self-worth on how many friends or followers I have? Of course not. Do I use this instrument to make life better for my little family? Absolutely. Do I care about being popular or famous? Not a bit. I enjoy what I do and strive to always do it better. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy this socially acceptable voyeurism, yet in this false reality it is nice to remember that life is real not filtered. Good night world.

monday

Monday. A new week. A new beginning. After so much emotional stress last week and an unforeseen incident that left us reeling, I am ready for a new start. A fresh new mindset in which to slough off last week's insanity. Life is hard. That is the first rule of Buddhism. No, I'm not a Buddhist or devout church goer or new age crystal bearing hippie, but I am spiritual and take solace where I find it whether that be any of the aforementioned. Buddha had it right. Life is also beautiful. When I awoke today to the cool misty morning I felt re-energized as if someone had plugged me in and charged me while I slept. I am determined to move forward no matter how many of life's fun little challenges are thrown my way this week. After dropping the little man at school, I had my girlfriend come get me and we started the day with some thrifting and breakfast. Driving around, getting stuck in endless construction, we laughed and talked about nothing. As the sun rose higher, so did my spirits. Determined to face down my evil procrastination demons today, I made endless phone calls, mailed bills, filed late taxes, scheduled with my therapist, and took control. The water called yet I ignored it's siren sound in order to tackle what I left ignored all summer. Today I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my home and the breeze through the screens. Instead of focusing on all the work and demo about to take place I let it's happy colors and clean rooms soothe me.  I went to Target and bought a new book, temporarily resisting the urge to dive in so I can get some laundry done. Dishes to do, clothes to pick up, dinner to be made, child to bathe, all these chores I welcome with open arms on this sunny Monday. Today my solace comes not from any deity, but in the simple tasks that complete our everyday life. Writing to you my dear readers also clears the mind as I've stated numerous times. All day I've had itchy fingers aching to sit down and type on this old lap top. Once again writing has helped settle my crazy brain. My post simple, my mind clear. I am leaving the heavy stuff behind on this beautiful beginning of the week day. Yes, life is hard, but on any given Monday we are offered a chance to wipe the slate clean. Good evening world.