a new season

Today started like every day, get up, grope for coffee, wake my child, more coffee then off to school. This morning was especially beautiful and warm. A perfect spring morning. After school drop off as I was on my way to grab my board, the sky commenced to turn an eerie shade of blue violet and gray. Taking a chance, I proceeded to collect my board and glide onto the mirror-like surface of the lake. There was no noise just absolute calm, well, wait a sec, there was a pair of clamoring geese irritated I'd disturbed their peace. Ignoring their squawking I continued on my way. The past few weeks have been wrought with a lot of soul searching and today was no different. Gliding along on the perfect lake, I reveled in that peace and let my mind drift where it pleased. So much has happened in the past few months, it's hard to wrap my brain around. So much excitement. For so long I felt stagnant, left behind and now it feels like everything I've been working for all these years is finally paying off. The problem with all these little successes is one gets greedy, impatient. I've been shown a door partially open and now want to fling it wide and yell "I'm in here, come and get me!" I want to see this through, see where it's all going. I've always been that way, can't enjoy the journey because I want to get to the destination. Right there lies the problem. I feel like I'm racing time. Lately I've really noticed it. I'm only 44 yet that feels like 100 to me. I've been spending too much time on regrets. I try to live without those preferring to chalk it up as experiences. I don't like having regrets because it only makes me feel my age more and that time is flying and I need to catch up hence my anxiety. My husband and I recently had a "discussion" over my inability to let go of the past few years and our unstable lifestyle. Everything is good now so why can't I say goodbye to yesterday. I'm not one to ruminate on the past, I move on and keep going. This is not normal behavior for me and if I continue it will affect my marriage. The fact remains that those years were tough. I feel traumatized by those years like a soldier coming home from war. I understand it's a completely different level, but roll with me here. No, I wasn't shot at day after day, but the constant rejection and struggle left it's mark on my psyche. A recent disappointing business venture brought all those feelings back and I've spent a lot of time on the lake trying to let that go. Not everything can be a win. Owning a business is filled with risks and this was one that fell flat. Do I give up? Absolutely not, not in my nature. When that door closed wouldn't you know another opened so off we go again. The last discussion with my husband really got me thinking. I can't keep hurting him with my refusal to move forward. We are happy and stable and that is all I ever wanted. Just like spring shedding winter's choke hold, I too, am shedding that old life and welcoming this new one.Today I am stopping to smell the lilacs and listen to the birdsong. No more "what could have been" thinking. I'm not dead and life is what happens while you're living it. This is a growing season and I intend to grow big and tall while living this glorious life...in the present. Good afternoon world.