lake girl

As previously mentioned I am something of a water person. I live for summer and immersing myself in all things aquatic. Growing up in the steel city, I was surrounded by 3 dirty rivers so our only real swimming hole was the public pool. Don't get me wrong, our public pool was the size of a football field with three diving boards and skyscraper height slides. Every summer my mother would laboriously sew on the shiny numbered metal tags that we would flash upon entry. Proudly holding up our bathing suit straps with our crooked passes we would troop in toting our bags, floats, towels, and blankets to find our perfect spot on the concrete. Snack time brought out the baggies filled with whatever was in the cabinet, eating under towels so as not to alert surly teenage lifeguards of our "illegal" behavior. I used to love lying under the hot sun with my Nancy Drew and listen to my mother gossip with the other neighborhood moms. My mother could never swim preferring instead to "backstroke" while holding her head above the 3 feet of water so as not to wet her hair. She would watch my sister and I jump off diving boards while furiously chewing her nails. Ahh, youth, full days spent lounging in the warm weather. Who am I kidding? I still do that now. Now I get to take mine. Lately though I've been feeling a pull towards our lovely Lake Erie. I don't know if it's because too many desserts are making me feel less than worthy of that bikini or if its just the fact that I can let my little one run free. No surly lifeguards at this beach, just driftwood, dead fish, and sand. Yeah, yeah, dead fish, I know, but you get used to it. Lying on my back, staring at the trees and cliffs, listening to the water, I almost feel like I'm on an exotic vacation in, well, Maine. The water can be THAT cold. The waves can be THAT rough. My mother-in-law constantly worries about rip tides and chemical overflows and cringes everytime I take her precious grandson to my beloved lake. Honestly, I feel the cold water is healing to mind and body. Who knows, maybe I'll end up with some crazy disease, but to me the lake is sacred. I can go and let Sully wander, pick up beach glass, gather rocks, and when he's ready, run into the water holding tightly to his little paw. There are also days where the water is warm and smooth as glass. That's when I can float away on a raft and just be. That's also when you can see the bottom, best left undiscovered for now. For now I will plant my feet on the mossy rock and dive into the wave because this lake girl is home. Goodnight world.

summer!

Yes, my friends it has been a little while, but you know how life goes. Today our trip to the park had us walking by the community pool and to my surprise and absolute delight, it is FINALLY filled!! This can only mean one thing, SUMMER!! Seeing that I spend the majority of summer at said pool I was extremely excited to see bright blue rather than a big cement hole in the ground. Seeing that pool filled conjures up visions of hot days, hot dogs, smell of suntan lotion, flip flops, and of course cool, cool water. I swear I was a mermaid in a former life. I can never get enough water whether it be pool, lake, ocean or even my own shower. Thankfully I have passed this on to my son who drives my husband batty drenching our yard and driveway with the garden hose. A trip to the lake on Memorial Day ended with mama clenching her son's hand tight so as not to lose him to the rough waves and have him swept away to Canada. I had no intentions, mind you, of actually going in the water once the clouds covered the sun and a cold wind rolled in, but apparently my son had other plans. One of my favorite sayings is" Man plans, God laughs ". This could not be more true when dealing with a 3 year old. As mentioned,  the weather had turned yet that didn't stop my water baby from charging forth into the cold foamy froth of our Lake Erie. Being that my husband is the total opposite of us, preferring dry land, he was no help. That left mama soaked and freezing, but having the time of her life with her soaked and freezing child. For me summer doesn't even begin until I pass through the glass door onto that pool deck to meet my bestie in our corner of the pavement . I can barely get the sunblock on dear one before he is tugging at my hand to get in the water. Just a moment, mama has to make sure all her junk is tucked in before I bare my lily white skin to the neighborhood. This year calls for a more appropriate suit for chasing my little one. A string bikini is great for tanning, but I would like all my parts to stay where they are in case I need to take a sudden plunge into the deep end. No mom skirts yet, just a little more support for what mother nature has given me. Summer has a certain kind of magic that can only come from days and nights spent outdoors. Warm sun kisses our skin, cool water refreshes, and to me there is nothing like sand between my toes or dirt on the bottom of my feet from days spent barefoot. Friends and family gather for cocktails on the porch or backyard barbeques. Flickering citronella(hopefully)keeps bugs away while we relax under the trees listening to evening bird song. Vacation at the beach and a trip to Coney Island will round out my season. So as my young charges watch over my business, I will become like a kid again. I will swim and play, forget to shower, let my hair get wild and sunbleached and enjoy all the season has to offer. For in this corner of our world, summer is fleeting and that pool doesn't stay filled forever. Goodnight world.

a new attitude

First let me preface this post with a great big Happy Mother's Day! One mighty little lady and her big shoes, big drinks, and definite big ideas shaped who I am today. I love you mom! Today is the first Mother's day where I was actually able to sleep in, get a bedside serenade by my little one, and have pancakes and coffee provided by my beautiful husband. On this bright sunny day I get to do NOTHING!! Well of course that won't happen because I still have obligations(try as I might not to), but at least these obligations are at my leisure. Past Mother's days had me at the restaurant early in the morning to start a long, arduous day taking care of other mothers and their families. After the brunch rush, a quick mimosa, cinnamon roll and than on to the even more crazy dinner rush taking care of now impatient other mothers and their equally impatient families. Ah, holidays. Not to be this year!! My husband and I are now 2 weeks into our early "retirement" and let me tell you, OMG!! I never thought that quitting a job and simultaneously decreasing my income would actually alleviate all my stress. After months of anxiety about the unknown, my husband and I took one very large step off the cliff and put all our faith in the idea of a new life. A new life that promised more time together as a family, more time to focus on our real careers and more time to focus on, well, our life. Let me tell you, this was not an easy decision to come by, so bound by financial obligations we didn't think this ever possible. After a lot of extra work to catch up on bills, pay off the car(FINALLY), stock up the store, we were ready. Fifteen years working in a restaurant is considered a LONG time in that business. Fortunately I loved my job and my coworkers, well most of them. We had a few suspect managers, chefs, and servers that weren't always high on my list. That aside, our core group of friends/coworkers were always there to provide the entertainment when customers weren't behaving nicely.  It is this comraderie I will miss, the little nuances that determined the mood of the evening. Is the salad girl going to be nice tonight? Is the chef going to yell at the slow server? Is the pizza guy going to bitch all night because he is the only one busy? Is the crazy Albanian dishwasher going to boss the chef around all night? So as not to cut all ties I can still make "guest appearances" and work a shift every now and then. So to that crazy life we said bon voyage and sailed off to our new horizon. Transition is never easy even when welcomed. My husband so used to being busy all the time tends to wander the house looking for something to do. Now you know as a wife, I can find him plenty of activity( the closet door that still needs hung). I of course feel like a lion out of a cage...FREEDOM!! Off and running to my store, happy to be alone with my old crap, I am able to finish my projects, have more time to scout for old stuff, and just be happy being my own boss. My husband also has more time to do what men do, whatever that is. Seriously though, he is like a pig in poop with his new job, days at the park with his son, and evenings with his wife. Never in a thousand years did we imagine so much possibility in instability. So now that the hard part is over, the leaping is done, we are ready to forge ahead with a new attitude and create our life as we know it. Good afternoon world.

demands

Today is the kind of day where I would happily take my tiny stash of money and board an airplane straight to Florida. Running away seems like the perfect solution to avoid my troubles for the temporary time being. Temporary being the key word here. Running away never helps, but it sure is nice dreaming of a beach complete with free unencumbered time and a big freakin cocktail to numb me. I know my friend would welcome me with open arms again and Alice's canal would sure lull me back to some semblance of normalcy. This beautiful fantasy unfortunately is not going to happen today so I am stuck with this crappy day and all my troubles. Of course my troubles are nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have my health, family, home, etc. It is just a day where I feel I cannot give enough to all the masters I serve. Certain persons with their well-intentioned meddling advice about my mothering skills are not welcome in my world today. The big stupid leak from my toilet into my kitchen this morning did not bode well with my morning coffee. The amount of dusty merchandise piled in the back of my store and in my car is staring me down making me feel even more inadequate because with my child wreaking havoc behind my desk, I just can't get to it. Dare I mention the mountain of crap on top of my desk also a lovely reminder of my said inadequacy. There are also financial demands this week because that $@##* leak now needs fixed and plumbers don't work for free. My list goes on, but I will not bore you with all the minutae. Through the ages mothers have taken care of their families by cooking, cleaning, shopping, loving and in many other ways that tend to go unnoticed. Now in this millenium not much has changed. We do this job because we love our husbands and children. It's a no brainer. It is also very difficult in a time that does not allow to focus on one job, but multiple. With the plethora of jobs I have employed over the years, nothing prepared me for this one. My husband has always been a huge asset(thank God) jumping right in and sharing the amount of housework, childcare, etc. His schedule allowed it. Now with his career finally taking off, I am left with more of the "burden". This does not allow much time for my business. Oh sure, I am there as much as possible, but the quality of this time does not add up. To own a small business is a LOT of work and thankfully I love it, but it also takes a LOT of time, something which I'm short on. It's great our child goes to school, but just when I get into my displays, pricing, cleaning, painting, rearranging, phone calls, customers(get the picture) I have to drop what I'm doing and everything gets put on hold until the next time I'm alone. Now there is a reprieve. Our restaurant career is FINALLY coming to a close. Two more weeks and I can scratch that off my list. Two more weeks and our little family will have more time together. No more dragging my poor 3 year old to the shop. No more tantrums in front of potential buyers. No more toys behind my desk. Two more weeks and my beautiful boy can run free like he should be doing.  The wracking guilt I feel over the situation doesn't help, but as stated previously daycare has never been an option so I deal with it and not always well. Sometimes mommies too have their tantrums. Unfortunately being an adult this is often frowned upon. Today I don't care. Today I threw a nice big tantrum complete with tears and stamping feet. Today this is how I dealt with my life. Today my mother-in-law whisked my child away with a look akin to aghast on her face and is probably calling social services as we speak. Now I really am exagerrating(about social services that is) not the tantrum. All I could think was GOODBYE!  After 2 hours of quiet and a solo trip to my favorite hispanic mercado, I was in much better shape. So I suppose we mothers really can have it all, as long as we are allowed our occasional tantrum too! Goodnight world.

death

Today marks the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's death. Anxiously bumping along preparing for our big life changes, I didn't even notice how fast the year had flown. Last April our family was busy making final arrangements for this great man. A great man that would be so annoyed at my post. Being a public figure, my father-in-law shunned most publicity and spotlight. He was a humble man not in the least interested in fame and fortune. He was a man driven by law, God, and his family. If one did not fit into these three categories than he really didn't take much notice, well except for football that is. Football was the end all, be all in this family. Football was also the reason for this legend's demise. Having a professional football career in a leather helmet era led to way too many knocks on the noggin. Unfortunately no one at the time thought anything of it, ah, just get up, you're fine. Well fifty some years later those knocks took their toll and this man who's mind made him what he was, slowly lost his. Nobody should have to watch a person disintegrate from Alzheimer's disease. It is a disease that sucks at you until only left with a mere shell of a person. Oh sure, we have funny stories to tell, little snippets about dad's final behaviors that are meant to make us not feel so damn bad, when in truth they just make us feel worse. Now that a year has passed and I have spent the day trying NOT to feel so damn sad, I can remember the man before the disease. My most vivid memory was when my husband and I started dating and this big white-haired man came into the restaurant, grabbed my wild man's face in two big hands, said "hello sweetheart", and gave John a big kiss on each cheek. You see my husband was wild, way too Irish for his own good, he spent many a night cozied up to the bar at the end of a long evening. That didn't stop me or anyone for that matter from loving my soon-to-be husband. Thankfully those days are long past and the only bar he cozies up to would be our breakfast bar in the kitchen waiting for his morning coffee fix. The fact that this man could turn my man into putty with just a gesture says volumes. No one was ever able to tame this fiercely independent child yet my father-in-law only had to walk in a room and ever so subtley my husband would stand just a little straighter. The pride my father-in-law felt for his family was insurmountable. Every football or lacrosse game had my father-in-law cheering on his children and grandchildren. I know we all wish he could still be here to watch my nephews run their passes and tackle their giant opponents. I know my beautiful nephews feel the loss of his presence at every game and every day. Such a large presence to be without. From dating to marriage, my father-in-law welcomed me with open arms and for the last 14 years I felt like one of his own children. I loved his son so he loved me, simple. Now I only have to look at my child or nephew to see my father-in-law. My son's steely blue eyes and my nephew's profile give me a pleasant jolt of nostalgia every time I look at their lovely faces. So dad, I'm going to wipe my tears, cut the crap and get to the chase. We love you, we miss you, and we wish you were still here to keep us all in line. Good night world.

melting pot

Hispanic, arabic, asian, albanian, indian, french, german, italian, black, white, gay, straight, etc., no I'm not studying anthropology or political correctness. Driving around my fair city the other day allowed me to take notice of the many cultures, colors, and lifestyles surrounding us. Diversity thrives like the wild mint next to my driveway. Growing up in a world as white as Wonder bread always left me longing for "something else". For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with other languages, cultures, food, people. Marrying a lebanese/irish man opened up a whole new world for me. No I'm not talking Guinness and pubs here. I'm talking about kibbie, grape leaves, sheik el mishwa, and other deliciousness I don't dare try to spell. Not to mention the language which is as complicated as calculus, but oh so beautiful to listen to. I have been trying to learn this new world of strange letters and symbols and so far the only words I'm coming up with are please and thank you and a slew of dirty words I probably shouldn't mention. I will keep trying to master this so obsessed am I. Today's grocery adventure led my son and I to the hispanic market  in the neighborhood. The trays of spicy marinated meats, crazy cheeses, salsas, so many tortillas and tamales had my mouth watering. Tonight's dinner will be a marvel accompanied by a cool Corona of course! The Spanish language is also another obsession. I try to learn through snippets of my son's Dora and Diego cartoons, along with our Honduran prep cook helping with basic conversation. It amazes me, the more I speak, the more I remember from school and that just makes me want to learn more, more, more. My husband says it sounds like we have a Mexican nanny when I'm yelling at my son in Spanish. Of course Spanish leads to French. So intrigued I spent a year in school trying to master this romance language. My knowledge of this particular patois is more extensive than most yet I still struggle. Working in a restaurant all these years opened my eyes to other countries I seriously never knew existed. Albania, where the hell is that, well I can tell you it's by Italy and Greece. It has beautiful beaches and no one really likes peanut butter there. Honestly ask any of my Albanian friends. My favorite Albanian loves to swear at me in her native language, accent as thick as mud, while she yells bitch across the kitchen. God, I love her. Only in America or at least in this particular corner of the rust belt. For tonight though, I will smoke my cigarette on the porch while I watch my beautiful Indian neighbor in her vibrant saris walk her young children before bedtime. However you open your eyes to culture, whether through food or language or travel, know that your world is truly a melting pot and for this reason a more beautiful and interesting place to reside. So dear check out guy at the arabic market, if you see me staring at you strangely it is only because I wish I could speak and understand your lovely language. Good night, bonne nuit, buenas noche, natanamir, world.

tired

Today was the kind of long boring day that made me wish I had listened to my inner slacker and stayed at home...in my pjs. After spending the past week moving, cleaning, painting, and arranging a few loads of heavy furniture not to mention waking at the crack of dawn for an estate sale I am bone tired. The weekend itself was a whirlwind of jobs and visiting family. Not that I don't love my dad, but did I really have to get all manic and make a delicious yet complicated lamb stew and homemade lemon meringue pie. Yes, cooking is comfort for my soul, but as I mentioned, I am freakin' tired! Being it was a belated birthday celebration, I was not able to shelve my obsessive need to well, celebrate, which brings me to my current state, cranky. I am so cranky and tired that every little move my wild child makes is leaving me cringeing and edgey. It would be one thing if he could just chill and watch his shows, but oh no, hopped up on early Easter candy he is a tornado of activity this evening. The pizza I decided to make is taking forever because my oven has become psychotic and is nuclear one day and like a toaster the next. I suppose I should call a repairman, but I just don't feel like it. This appliance hex that has decided to descend upon my home is also adding to my current crankiness. The furnace seems to have the same problemo as my lovely oven. Oh, you're working today? Great. Yesterday I had to sweet talk it to turn on, you mother****just work, dammit. Did I mention it's a pretty new furnace, nice, huh? Bitch, bitch, bitch, I know just shut up, right? Well this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to. Okay, now I feel better. Sorry dear readers, sometimes it just is what it is. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I think I will go kiss my child who is thankfully eating that pizza and finally still. My pjs are already on and my wine and pizza await along with my night of Bravo reality fabulousity. Bring it on housewives because your problems are always worse than mine! Good night world.

almost there

Well, here we are, March. As we know March is a month that can be either a lion or a lamb. Fortunately this March has been unexpectedly lovely, a real lamb. So much in fact my fellow midwesterners are screaming OMG ITS GLOBAL WARMING!! Really? Come on now, lets enjoy what we have. I swear these people would complain no matter what the weather. As it stands the sunshine has put a little spring in my step, so used to the gray skies, I am taking full advantage of all this unwarranted blue sky and bright sun. Mornings on the back porch with face tilted toward the sky, I can just feel the lines deepening around my eyes. Who cares, we all get old anyway! Really though, spring has sprung and none too early. Robins have returned to my backyard to build their nests, flying with errant twine or twig clenched in their beak. My squirrels are staring in my window waiting for their overly indulgent peanut butter bread. Even my 6 goldfish, after removing the chicken wire cover, popped up to say hey, we made it, now bring it on! I never tire of watching them chase each other in one neat little line like tiny orange soldiers going into watery battle. The cats that live in my garage(not mine by the way)have made THEIR presence known my smushing my budding catmint plants and leaving the lovely smell of cat pee all over the yard. I love the look of pure disdain on their smarmy faces when they see us watching them, really, you're in my yard and that's my plant you're squashing. Even my friends' chickens are restless, refusing to stay in their coop and racing down his driveway like a pack of small wild dogs. The look of annoyance on his face as he tries to corral them only makes the scene more amusing. Just watching a chicken run in its lopsided way makes me giggle. As mentioned, even my perennials are ready to bust out of their damp, dirty cover. My lilacs have nice fragrant buds,hydrangeas are filling in, forsythia has shown us its bright yellow show, and my hostas are slowly unfurling their long green leaves. My backyard is about to become a cool green oasis while my front is about to get a little wild with its overpacked flower beds. Wild like my life, wild like my 3 year old whos boundless energy is best spent running outside. Using him as target practice with a big rubber ball always makes for a good laugh. His head throws back in fits of giggles and oh crap, mama just hit him in the head with the big rubber ball. Whoops, whadda ya want? I was the cheerleader, not the tomboy. Even my husband has jumped right in, clearing said flower beds of musty leaves, emptying than adding water to our pond and cleaning the gunk out of the clogged pump. Uh, yeah, that's a guy job for sure! So as we hunker down this week INSIDE due to a sudden cold snap(it IS still March ) I look outside and see all my flora and fauna functioning just fine. Because even though cold, the sun is still shining and I realize the worst is over, summers' around the bend, and we are almost there. Goodnight world.

comfort

Just hearing this word instantly relaxes me. One little word that can mean so much. Live in comfort, comfort food, COMFORTable, COMFORTing, shall I go on? A tiny bit of this can make a crappy day better, put kick in your step, feel like a warm scarf. Comfort is not a term that requires vast research to discover its meaning. Comfort can be found in the simplest of items, gestures, words. To me comfort may involve a fresh pair of warm socks after having cold clammy feet all day or that first cup of joe to start my day. Comfort can also involve close friends, homemade mac and cheese, Billie Holiday on the record player, yes, I said record player! Nothing is more comforting than that ethereal scratchiness that torch song singers evoke on vinyl. Comfort is a cinnamon candle, patchouli oil on my husband's neck or baby powder on my child at bedtime. As I've stated in the past, pepperoni greasiness wafting from a pizza box comforts me just as a cigarette does after a good cry. Granny afghans and down COMFORTers coupled with flannel sheets make going to bed early a well deserved luxury. A good book, no matter what your favorite genre is always welcome in down time. Good times or bad, family also deserves a special place on the comfort scale such as a mother's hug or a father's pat on the back when feeling proud. Comfort can pertain to one's financial success, having a comfortable life means job well done. Comfort can also be the pride one takes when unlocking the door to their very own business and flipping the sign on the door to open. To me that equals mine and to ME that means job well done. That alone makes me comfortable. Comfort is seeing the smile of satisfaction on my husband's face when he walks in the door after teaching all day, the smell of a home-cooked meal drifting from the kitchen, and my child smiling dada! So as not to leave anything out, comfort is watching my child's beautiful smile beam from ear to ear as he gets to hang with his older "brother" and torture the poor 8 year old as said 8 year old patiently hangs with him. As I said earlier, so many meanings for one small word, I could go on all night. Instead I will let you dedicated reader reflect upon your own meaning of this word while I welcome the late-night comfort of my husband's after work warm kiss and hug. Goodnight world.

happy valentine's day

Hearts and flowers, chocolate, champagne, diamond engagements, lingerie, sex and lest we forget LOVE, these are all components of this special day. From its earliest beginnings of martyred saints to Chaucer's romantic poem to mass production of paper valentines during the 1850's, this day made its mark through many a century. How many couples pining over love chose to embrace or ignore this magnanimous romantic holiday. How many times did I cry over being alone or take flowers to a friend in a similar circumstance so we could be miserable together? This said friend just had her true love hand deliver roses to her workplace today and let me tell you she was shining like an incandescent light bulb, happy and satisfied to find her one and only. Valentine's Day is a day of love or torment depending on your situation. Now that I have found my one true love, I am not so quick to NEED to embrace this day, but I certainly won't be unhappy if roses are hand delivered to MY door. Actually I am happy with big bright gerbera daisies. Never one for mushy romance or too much fuss, these flowers and maybe a box of chocolate covered cherries are my only requirements. This year I have to say, I was not feelin' it. Of course I love my betrothed, but his money went to my store rent and right now that is just fine with me. My other favorite valentine of course was spoiled rotten with chocolates, cookies, and a dozen big red balloons that received an"Oh thank you mama! I love you!" That's all I need, that was enough of a present for me. In the future for hub and I there are plenty more Valentine's Days. I am content to sit this one out and quite frankly I'm on a post-holiday diet and candy would just wreck the momentum. So much emphasis is placed on this one day, does he love me or love me not? PUHLEASE!! If he loves you he will overlook his distaste of this "Hallmark holiday" and run out to get you flowers. In my opinion there is no need for multiple lavish gifts, I mean, really, didn't we just do Christmas? Valentine's Day is about being with the one you love and that could be your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, mother, father, husband, wife, child, or even your dog. A dog loves you unconditionally and doesn't roll his eyes or scoff at the words Valentine's Day. Today I spent time with a few of my true loves. I had nice alone time(get your minds out of the gutter)with my husband, seriously he had to work so just a coffee outing for us. I also had time with my son at my bestie's house making pizza, drinking wine, and eating brownies (yeah, I know there goes the diet) while our little loved ones played. I didn't miss the hearts and flowers today because I had everything I needed right where I needed it. Tonight I am happy to lock lips with my love when he walks in the door and be thankful that we have survived another year together in this crazy story of ours called life. Happy Valentine's Day to all my favorite loves(you know who you are)and goodnight world.

leap of faith

Be careful what you wish for. This is a saying I've heard my whole life and just never figured it applied to me. I have never wished for anything quite out of the ordinary like a fancy car or mcmansion or even millions of dollars. In fact most times I feel my wishes HAVE come true. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful child, had a fabulous dog and own my own business that I love to my core. My only wish that hasn't been granted is my swimming pool. I have dreamed of my own pool since I was a child. Ah if only life were so simple that wishes consisted of swimming pools and say, unicorns. As an adult I now wish for boring old stability. This seems to be the most difficult and elusive wish of all. One month the bills get paid and the next they don't. I am quite tired of this hamster wheel of monetary obligation. It is quite maddening. As I mentioned in a previous post the Christmas blur has ended and now we are left with the few months between until the flowers poke up to say hey it's spring now! These few months always cause a bit of anxiety and restlessness in this part of the country or at least in this city where the sun decides to hibernate like a big fat grizzly. Really? Gray again, great. This weather does not improve my mood or my psyche. I shouldn't complain, its been so mild yet I would almost feel better in 4 feet of snow, at least I know where I stand. So you can see my mood lately(hey I warned ya back in December) and can only imagine my surprise when my husband arrived home one day with good news about his career. What, you say? Good news? Impossible this is my moment of melancholy, I'm not allowed to be happy right now. Apparently his career is about to take off one little baby step at a time. Hey we'll take it because the only baby steps around here are now walking to school. Anyway wow! It's about time. I can actually take a step back and breathe, give up control, quit my other job. Oh, I just had to go and say it, quit my other job, here comes the anxiety. This is where that old annoying saying comes in. I can't wait to quit my other job. I am mentally OVER dealing with people and their damn food. I DON'T CARE IF YOUR STEAK IS OVERCOOKED. That's when you know it's time to go, but the stability of that money makes it very hard to take that flying leap. My husband and I have been living that restaurant life for over 15 years but now it is time to follow in my friend's footsteps and say so long. I can't wait to close the shop on a Friday or Saturday and come home to my family, cook dinner, have some wine(well you knew that was coming)and just be. The loss of income on both our parts will be difficult, but I have to roll with it, have faith, and trust in my husband to know this is where our path leads us. Trust is hard, especially for a control freak like me, but my heart knows that together we can take that leap of faith and all will be just fine. Goodnight world.

three

 As you know by now we are three, we are a family. Three being the operative word here. Our dear sweet little angel has turned 3. This was not the age I had feared, two is what everyone talked about. Ah, but than you hear the other parents speak of three and oh, just wait! Great. Let me tell you, they're not lying. Three is torture. My dear sweet little angel has turned into a wild thing that would make Maurice Sendak's creations seem tame. I feel he is truly the "wildest thing of all". There is no rhyme or reason with this age, nothing feels clear. My head feels as muddled as a good old fashioned as I try to make sense of tiny tirades over power struggles. Um, aren't I the boss here? Good Lord, I end up feeling like I've been tossed about by a large wave and thrown onto the beach. I try to ignore, not give in to it, but he's always right there letting you know his discontent. On the surreal flip side, the other sweet extreme makes those terrible moments worth it. The behavior is the polar opposite. You think, why was I so upset? How could my sweet boy ever make me crazy? Yeah right, watch out because it will be back and right at bedtime which is always fun, not. Wrestling matches over getting into pj's can lead to one well placed kick and daddy is bent over silently swearing in pain. "Oh sorry dada, me kiss your booboo?" No, not necessary says my husband grimacing, just please go to sleep. Three books later we stare at that sleeping child and think, this ain't so bad. Good night world.

January

Well as aforementioned it is January. January is the month that sparks hope for the coming year and angst at the coming weather, at least in this neck of the woods. Being in the midst of this schizophrenic winter freeze and thaw has me feeling somewhat similar. I revel in the luxury of a couch potato existence yet other days nothing will settle me enough to sit still. My son's cold was the perfect excuse to play hooky from the shop and read my spooky book all day. The very next day had us up early buying old junk for the store which of course set my brain buzzing with new ideas etc. etc. Due to our lack of snow accumulation this winter my fellow midwesterners appear to be like squirrels in the middle of the road, running back and forth, perpetually confused. Not enough snow to ski or sled, too cold to play outside, what to do, what to do? I have now taken my 3 year old ice skating 3 times to no avail. He is just not ready and refuses to even try to stand up so my best intentions go down the toilet along with my admission, skate rental fee, and patience. My husband and I take turns whizzing around the rink so our afternoon doesn't seem a total waste of time. Hot chocolate doesn't even help because than my dear one just cries and complains "it's too hot, it's too hot" even with 89 icecubes in his tiny styrofoam cup. Ugh. I am also getting tired of spending my hard earned pennies(it is January)at the neighborhood coffee shop. Don't get me wrong, I love our little local place, there is no need to go across the street to the commercial establishment, but vegan pastries and large mochas add up. Somehow I always feel less guilty eating the vegan fare, but probably shouldn't hold out hope that they are less fattening. Who cares anyway, it's winter, let's get fat. Seriously though, that is my other problem, exercise,just can't seem to get motivated. Thankfully I am busy enough to not worry, but in a few months we will all be running around half naked and I would like my junk to just not shake as much. Well I will get serious in February. February we should have snow.  February is when I have my ski plans, that is if my friend can fit into her ski pants. Every year we hold our breath to get the snap shut and shuffle out to the slopes, buzzed on cold air, companionship, and margaritas. Yes, even in the dead of winter a margarita can solve all your problems. For now though it is time to get my wild child in bed, turn off those insufferable preschool cartoons, and run for the wine bottle and my robe. Ah yes, winter, back to my couch. Good night world.

moving on

Well here we are, January. It is cold, windy and snowy and I opted to sit this day out, well at least until work tonight. Tonight will be the night I say goodbye to our chef, my boss(well at least he thinks so), and my dear friend. After 12 years together he is moving on to greener pastures, lucky bastard! Life as coworkers in a restaurant makes for some tedious relationships yet the two of us have held strong. We have dealt with each other's strange quirks and many different attitudes. Many a time our two big personalities would do battle, but always ended with us dancing in the kitchen while our coworkers glared at our spectacle. Tonight is the last night I will hear his big mouth yelling from the kitchen or hear the knife slam on the steel table or witness his true wrath as a server screws up again(those are always fun). Well it's certainly going to be a quiet kitchen after he leaves, I can tell you that! From this day forth I have to stand on my own for my partner in crime is moving on. Who can I torment now?! All this talk about moving on makes me dwell on future possiblilites as well. I feel the gears have started on big changes in our life and it is impossible to stop them. So much hope overwhelms me. So as not to feel as such, I am content to stay cozy inside until the time comes when my friend and I have our last dance.I love you Tony, you will be missed. Good afternoon world.

happy new year

As I settle in my chair to write,I am comforted by the sound of my husband and child happily chatting as they prepare dinner. My little family all tucked in protected by a fresh fall of snow. Happy new year to us.What beautiful reasons to be grateful. This past holiday season flew by in a blur of overindulgence. Business was booming so this broad worked continuously, well except for my last minute getaway to the sunshine state to visit a favorite friend. Three days of glorious sunshine had me feeling like the cat that ate the canary! Lounging in a beach chair, skin midwest white waiting to be kissed by a little southern sun, was positively dreamy. Another favorite moment was drinks on the dock of Alice's canal. Mullet jumping and birds in the mangroves were our only entertainment. Aah, Florida, to smell it is to know it. Nothing can compare to that smell of warm salt air and sun. Leaving was bittersweet for I was anxious to get back to Christmas land yet hated to leave my friend. Cold weather and endless Christmas preparations awaited my return. Who am I kidding, I love that stuff! Sneaking away to Florida just made Christmas even better. I was relaxed and ready to tackle the next two weeks. Working and cooking and eating and shopping and drinking consumed those 14 days. Presents were unwrapped in a flash of shiny paper. Meals and countless cookies were consumed with vigor. Christmas day had us in couch comas until it was time to start up again at dinner. More family, more presents, you know, the usual. So now it is over. Tomorrow starts the diet, the decoration deconstruction, smaller deposits at the bank, yes, reality. As we know I'm not much for that, but this year bring it on. I'm ready to charge forward and take this year by the..well, you know. I am determined to stare down all the coming changes and challenges rather than cower and complain. I know as long as I have my little family waiting for me, anything is possible. Happy New Year world.

peace

 Now let me preface this post by saying peace is not a word that I usually associate with your's truly. Apparently it's been on my mind a lot lately considering I just made 2 giant light up peace signs for my store's Christmas windows. Peace is a word that is usually associated with our world or what beauty queens wish for. Peace is not a word that comes to mind when I take a look back over the past 3 tumultuous years. Our economy, job searches, baby boys, endless working, relationships, these are not usually PEACEful topics, but tonight sitting here at my desk writing to you, peace is what I feel. Dare I hope for better times? The past few months have been really nice. Oh Lord, I really I hope I am not jinxing myself. Slowly I feel doors opening again and that makes me feel peaceful. My bills are mostly paid and that makes me feel peaceful. My business is better than its been, yeah yeah, I know it's the holidays, but it's still better. I don't know maybe it's the Christmas glow that is making me feel all warm and fuzzy and I swear I've only had two sips of my wine. I just feel, well, peaceful. Could it be age? Am I suddenly so wisened now that I'm a few months into 41? Does peace only come the closer we get to death? Ugh, that's depressing. Of course talk to me in January when winter's doldrums have set in and everyone in this snow belt takes cover inside and my business slows to a turtle's crawl. I'm sure those posts will be a lot more morose for my misery loves your company. Anyway, let's not go there now. Now I'm feeling happy and positive and as stated peaceful. Christmas is making its merry way into my heart and home working its winter magic. My color wheel is slowly whirring away any lingering troubles. My vintage electric trees are subliminally blinking hope, hope. My big old light up star is announcing happiness with its giant colored bulbs. Now how can I or anyone resist all that merriment? For tonight, at least, I have my world peace. Goodnight world.

good morning

Hello friends! Yes it has been awhile, but I have been extremely busy trying to ready my little shop for the holidays along with clearing out 2 estates, working my other job, and being a mom and wife. I figured this morning was a great time to try to please you with some more of my tales while I am coffee drunk on this crappy french roast that has me buzzing like a fluorescent bulb. This morning is a gloomy rainy Monday. Sometimes these are my favorite days especially when I am fortunate enough to sleep in a little, snuggled down under my comforters with my husband's solid warm body tucked in next to mine. Ah, if only someone could bring us coffee, but seeing that that someone is only 3, it might result in a trip to the hospital and that is NO way to start the day! So now that my business is squared away for the holiday it is now time to start decorating my home. I will need one more cup of this jet fuel to make that happen, but my beautiful 6 ft silver aluminum pom pom tree is about to make its annual appearance. I have my son super stoked to help so this morning could end up being very pleasant or a large lesson in patience for both of us. One never knows with a 3 year old. One minute they are sweet as sugar, than in an instant weird tantrums kick that warm fuzzy feeling right to the curb! Oh yes parenthood. The only way to understand is to be one, a parent that is. Sometimes I feel as unstable as my toddler and have weird tantrums myself.  My husband loves when this happens. So back to decking my halls. As mentioned before I really LOVE Christmas. Not only will there be one giant silver tree, but there are 6 more placed through the house as well. My husband tries to disappear when this occurs. If he doesn't see it than it can't be happening, right? Ah, nothing says Christmas than that sigh that only he has perfected. The sigh of chagrin when he is surrounded by shiny lights, old christmas balls, and trees as he so carefully tiptoes through the melange so as not to break anything and suffer one of his crazy wife's tirades. My living room lights up as big as Vegas. I have tried to be minimal, but I feel you can never have too much Christmas bling. So this gray day is about to get a little brighter with the beginning of my holiday fanaticism. I also have fresh baked cookies on my to do list for the day. A trip to the local indie boutiques and coffee shop is on the agenda as well. Whoa, I think the coffee has just taken me to a new level and I am starting to sweat a little. Time to head to the attic. Good MORNING world.

opportunity

Today was one of those days where opportunity knocked and than kept walking. I suppose my karmic meter gave me enough opportunity last week and said, uh, you've had enough. NO! Just when doors are finally starting to open again and life feels slightly back to normal than today had to go and just not be very extraordinary. I was actually starting to see hope on the horizon rather than just gray skies. It all started with an opportunity to have my business mentioned, but instead I was grouped into that gray area of not important. I understand the reasons why this happened and thought about making a few mentions of my own(taking the opportunity)but I decided to take a higher more mature attitude and leave well enough alone. Whether this will serve me better in the future remains to be seen. Another incident involved a very sparkly pair of "diamonds" found while liquidating. Well they are just glass so there will be no bump in my bank account this week. Oh well. I also had a really great customer come in today and proceed to chat, smile, and than leave. Ugh. I suppose opportunity is a state of mind like looking at the glass half empty or half full. Today it was half empty, but when I think about all the other wonderful opportunities that life has offered lately one could perceive it as the latter. My husband was just hired as an adjunct professor, albeit it's a temporary position, but it is a door opened and for that we are grateful. I have also had the opportunity to liquidate two fantastic estates that will continue to keep my store fabulous and pay my rent another month. My website will be finished sometime this millenium so that is also a good opportunity for my business and our future. See half full. I also know I have been unbelievably blessed with the opportunity to have a beautiful husband and child who keep me happy and fulfilled every day. I suppose the lesson learned here is that opportunity does knock and it's our choice whether to open the door or keep it closed tight. Goodnight world.

junk

Ah, here I sit tired to the bone. I have had the lovely and quite dirty opportunity to liquidate a family member's estate. Now you may read this and think yuck, who wants to do that? Well I'll tell you, ME! Nothing makes me happier than when I am surrounded by old and dusty junk. Chests of drawers, 1950's dinettes, vintage rattan with perfect cushions(do you know how hard it is to find perfect cushions?), lamps, bubble lights, barkcloth, sparkly jewelry and bright colored flower pins, aaahhh, I am like a pig in poop, happy. In a world where we are all trying to be bigger, better, faster, newer, I find comfort in all things old. Tarnished silver is prettier to me than bright and shiny, polished silver. Old floral quilts worn thin from washing are more appealing than new starchy polyester ones. Layer them all for perfect coziness. Old big bulb christmas lights have the best glow during snowy holiday time. My favorite is when they are blanketed in a fresh fall, peeking out from their chilly cover. Now I'm sure I have painted this romantic picture of what I do for work, but that's just it, it IS work, hard, laborsome , dirty work that I love to my core. My life is like one big treasure hunt, picking through garbage, crawling through, well crawl spaces, climbing rickety attic steps and bumping my head for the millionth time. Small spaces that smell like rodents, swiping cobwebs from my lips, trudging through mud, all a part of the job. I've also been known to drive crazy distances to meet up with just as crazy people all for the love of junk. My friend is the same way and together drinking margaritas, buying old crap, we are never happier. One occasion left us locked out of the truck in the cold while she went to find help and came back wrapped in a stinky victorian quilt with some very eccentric stranger(owner of the crazy quilt)in tow, happy to try to sell her the quilt. Um, no thanks, but have a corona. I'm not exactly sure what we purchased in the dark with our flashlights(due to the margaritas)but I do know it was awhile before we stopped laughing. Oh yes, what a life. I suppose as stated before, I could work in a cubicle or for some horrible boss, but that is just not my speed. I swear sometimes people think I don't work because my job is so fun, but hauling, cleaning, displaying, pricing, and selling is just as much work if not more than say putting numbers on a spreadsheet. My husband also enjoys the vibe, most of the time. Like I said before the labor part can grow old. Some days we cannot lift another piece of furniture(like today)yet I know he will happily join his wife for the flea market extravaganza come spring. Junk in the country, nothing better. For now I will busy myself by getting reaquainted with my boxed up finds and try to figure out exactly what that goo is on my rain boot. Good night world.

frustration

I'm sure you all know this feeling, maybe in abundance. Nothing like a horrible gray rainy day, lack of business, and oh, just to add icing to the proverbial cake, a nice big argument with my beloved. Ugh. Today sucked. I can't make any bones about it, it was just a bad day. This 40 days and 40 nights of rain does not improve the mood. I can only hide under my afghans for so long before I am ready to jump off a bridge. Pardon if this post is a bit bitter, but like I said it was a BAD day and you all know how I love my wine, so bestie and I partook in a few lovely glasses while our wild ones ran amok. My frustration lies again in the lack of education jobs and my mental capacity to perform my waitressing tasks. Lets put it this way, when you are 41 and have a lot going on the ability to handle whiney adults and whiney employees(sometimes interchangeable) takes a better, younger person than I. I am working overtime to promote my tiny business in a really CRAPPY economy and I tend to see red when I feel my beloved is not living up to his potential. As stated before the situation is not his fault, but if I feel any slight slacking on his part I tend to act like Martha Stewart and excuses are NOT an option. Discussing this matter only leads to defiance and brooding. Again, ugh. Couple this with a cold that WILL NOT GO AWAY and leaves me hacking like a 2 pack a day smoker is enough to make me jump out of my skin! I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy keeps taking the football away from him....AARRGGHHH!! Apparently I am also enjoying the caps lock key on my keyboard. I just want to know when enough is enough? When do I get to stop dragging myself from job to job to support this family? Isn't this a team effort? I know I will continue to keep the momentum going, but I would really like to concentrate on ONE job, the one that really makes me get out of bed each day, customers or no customers, my business.  There is also my beautiful son. I guess I should have mentioned him first, but you know he's not a job to me so I don't group him into that category. In a few months I will be done working Friday nights. I will miss the income, but in the grand scheme of things, really, 300 extra dollars a month is not a big price to pay to hang out with him and not have to schlepp from job to sitter to job to sitter to home. I think pizza and t.v. and bonding time with him sounds much nicer. So my frustration lies in my situation yet again, hence the reason for this whole blog of mine, and how to make our life a little nicer and a little easier. I suppose I could just give up my little business that I love like my own family and work in a cubicle from 9 to 5 and feel a little piece of myself die each day or I could hang in there, try to have patience, and hope for better days. I guess you all know the answer to that one(in case you don't the cubicle is NOT an option) and thank God and Buddha for my best friend and her ability to provide comfort, conversation, and most important mommy's little helper(that would be wine). Thanks Cay. I love you. Goodnight world.

food for thought

Fried chicken, mac and cheese, waffles, bacon, are you drooling yet? Such were this morning's brunch delights. As I shoved a spoonful of warm gooey cheesy goodness into my bro-in-law's mouth, his eyes closed in sheer delight. The occasion for this fat fete was my brother in law's birthday. If you asked me his age I couldn't tell you, but it was just the excuse I needed to whip up some comfort soul food to enjoy this beautiful Sunday. It really doesn't take much to please a man, just fry something and they are instantly happy, hey who am I kidding, if you put a plate of fried food in front of me I'm the same way! Over the years, being married to a part-time chef has given me the ability to become a better cook. I have always enjoyed cooking and even entertained the idea of culinary school. That idea quickly dissipated the minute I set foot in the kitchen of my first real restaurant job. Being a girl, gross was the only thought that popped into my head. Cooking on a line is dirty, stinky and labor intensive. Not only are you cooking food at an extremely fast rate, but you have egomaniacal chefs and psycho servers to deal with as well. The hours are long and the clean up at night's end appears endless. My husband does this four times a week. He does it with such aplomb that you know he's been working it too long. Somehow he manages(usually) to not let the nightly insanity drive HIM insane. I have seen him launch a chair out the kitchen's back door when a server wasn't doing their job, but that story is for another day. Kitchen work is not all glory and Wolfgang Puck. You have to do your time, work your way up and than if you're lucky someone gives you a break and puts you in charge. The headaches don't stop there, oh no, than you have to please your customers. Cooking for the general public makes for one slippery slope. You want to show off your creativity yet somehow please them as well(if you want to make money that is), but not everyone loves foie gras or sweetbreads or that freakin pasta special that won't go away. Ah, what can I say, glad I didn't follow that path. Cooking for me and for most I would imagine is about your senses. Chocolate and cinnamon and red wine. Pasta and tomato and garlic. You get the picture. Being creative I am ruled by my senses. This is not always a good thing. Practicality tends to fall by the wayside when I am confronted with overwhelming sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. When I smell a good pepperoni pizza I swear I positively swoon. This morning's feast had that ability as well. When I took my first bite of that damn mac and cheese I almost slobbered it was so good. I could also feel my derriere expanding as well, in fact I think my pants ARE tighter this evening. Oh well, small price to pay for something so divine, I'll run tomorrow. Food is healing, comforting, even sexual. Oysters and vodka. Lobster, saffron, champagne and caviar. Life gets so crazy that sometimes a big cheeseburger is the only way to make us happy. Well after that meal this morning, I don't think I'll be eating a cheeseburger anytime soon, but just the thought of it makes me smile. . and drool a little. Goodnight world. Oh and happy birthday brother-in -law of mine.

cluttered

Now that my son has started school and we have all settled into the autumn groove, I find I have a few more hours of free time on my hands. I used to start my day at the shop with the countdown until dear one got there. . two hours, hour and a half, thirty minutes, fifteen minutes and oh, here he is, time to start chasing for the next three hours. Ugh. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to see his beautiful face, it was just that I knew any project or craft started had to be stopped until I had time to pick it back up again(some never to reappear). His arrival meant it was now time for blocks and trucks and pretend time. If anyone at this age can tell me they seriously enjoy playing toddler games than they are a better person than I. So now I find myself with not 2 but 4 beautiful peaceful hours to myself. The downside to this equation is that I CANNOT shut my brain off. It is so packed full of ideas, future displays and events, projects, and crafts to make that I feel like my head is going to explode off my neck like a rocket into space. Couple this with the upcoming holidays I not only have to think about the store, but also Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving side dishes, Christmas gifts, shopping for said gifts, Christmas Eve cooking not to mention social plans and babysitters. If this isn't enough I still have to work my other job, maybe even more than usual because well it will be the holidays and people love to eat out. Holidays also bring about holiday decorating and since you all know how much I LOVE Christmas, this house gets transformed into a 1950's aluminum tree wonderland! Oh and did I mention the baking. Oh quit your whining I'm sure you're thinking, women have been doing this for years and with even bigger families than mine, but being a selfish society I am only thinking about all MY work that will have to be done. Don't let me fool you, down deep I really love the whirlwind of activity, but as I sit here in the beginning of October I feel a little anxiety approaching thinking about all that will need to be done.
On top of my cluttered brain, I can't help but notice my cluttered house including basement and attic. I also have a cluttered basement at the store. Well it's actually a hoarders wet dream, but not to this hoarder. I just see one big cluttered mess. My husband keeps saying I have to go down there and throw all that shit out, but when I stand at the top of the steps and peer into the blackness(most of the lights are out)I just get tired and go upstairs. AAARRGH!!! That is how I feel when I think of cleaning basements and attics. I DON'T want to do that in my free time, who does??!! I do have to give a giant shout out to my husband who took a big successful stab at decluttering our attic. At least it's a start. Now I can see why people sell it all and move to Florida. In Florida all you need is a bathing suit and air conditioning. Until that day comes I suppose I will just have to put up with my cluttered brain, business, and abode. Anyone need a broken typewriter? Goodnight world.

evening song

Perhaps the time of day I enjoy as much as the morning is twilight time. Evening is a peaceful time, a time to reflect on the day's happenings. Just as a cup of morning coffee blasts off my day, my evening libation rounds out the last few hour's rough edges. Nothing is better than hearing the crickets chirp while my dishwasher happily purrs away the day's dirt, toys are properly placed, rooms are tidied, order has been restored to life's daily chaos. This is the time of day where I MUST empty my mind . My mother is one to just sit and think. She can spend hours just "thinking". I don't get it. I think all the time, at night I don't want to think anymore. Evening allows my comfort. While my husband works and my child sleeps I can just be. No demands placed. I can sit on my porch with cerveza in hand and an occasional cigarette (sorry we all have our vices) and be happy just watching the cars go down our street. In the winter I love to bundle in as many granny afghans as possible and cocoon myself against the world, hunkered down with my favorite trashy television or novel. I don't dare pick up a magazine because it starts the alien ship roar of my brain, gearing up for new ideas and a new day. Like I said, I must empty all that is up in that crazy head of mine. Being a creative person I need this time. The daily barrage of ideas and colors that define my business hit me like Serena at Wimbledon. I can almost hear a soft thud each time an idea lands in my gray matter. This writing venture I have set out upon seems to not only clear my head, but calm me as well. Strange, being that it is more creative fodder. I suppose whatever works to clear away daily clutter. This my friends is why I still have lots more to say so tune in next time. Goodnight world.

changing seasons

Armed with a wallet full of gift cards, my girlfriend and I set out Sunday to our local mall to do some damage. Being that the mall is one of these faux city outdoor malls we were able to enjoy the sunshine in between our spending. Store after store promised cozy sweaters, delicious outerwear, jeans in every style and boots, endless boots. So much fabulosity I had to physically clamp my jaw shut to keep the drool from spilling. One problemo. .it was almost 80 degrees. Now how am I supposed to get my fall fashion on when I'm sweating bullets under my chic poncho?!!  Summer has ended, indian or not it is over! I want to wear my extreme cowl neck sweaters and cropped Anthropologie pants. I want to put on my jewel toned clothes and welcome the chillier temps. Oh well. Wait for next week or tomorrow. The one nice or not so nice thing about the midwest and especially here by the lake, you never know when the weather can change. It has been 50 degrees in July for God's sake! 70 in February. Winter thaws followed by winter squalls. Ugh. We all say we're retiring to Florida, but then where would we vacation, oh that's right, Mexico. Anyway I couldn't live with eternal sunshine. I need gray rainy days or snowy stuck in the house blizzards. This type of weather truly is "chicken soup for the soul" only I like to think of it as chocolate cake or snickerdoodles or lasagna and garlic bread for the soul! Any cloud in the sky is my excuse to pull out the Joy of Cooking and make the house smell warm and cozy. Bring on the pumpkin, cinnamon, gingerbread, squash, pine, firesmoke, cool night air. Divine treats for our changing seasons senses.
After fall comes winter and to me that means one thing. . Christmas! I love Christmas! I love the glow of colored lights and anything covered in glitter. I love to bake cookies and store them in the freezer with warning notes to my husband not to eat 'til Christmas! I especially love presents, well hey let's be honest, don't we all(new gift cards hint, hint). I of course love to receive gifts, but now that I'm a mom I love to shop for my son especially. I have to say apple doesn't fall far from this tree for he also loves presents and I love to spoil him. My husband too gets spoiled. I can't help it. I hold back all year and Christmas is a time to go big, well as big as I am able. Thankfully not owning one credit card doesn't leave me in huge debt come January, but cash only goes so far.
Well after Christmas there is just winter and that means January. Does anyone like January, yuck, I don't even want to think about that. Honestly, can we please stop making resolutions that we have no intention of keeping? Maddening. Lose weight or don't, save money or don't, get organized or DON'T!!!! While you all are trying to keep to your half-assed resolutions, I will be ice skating or sled riding or skiing. Anything to combat the winter doldrums and where I live the seasonal depression disorder or in other words, the winter doldrums! Well my fine friends, I am going to leave you with that to chew on. I just don't even want to think about what comes after January, at least not until May when our fair city welcomes the sunshine back. So for now light a fire and enjoy the falling temperatures because we're all gonna be complaining come February! Goodnight world.

what matters

Over the past three years my life has had some big changes. I had a child, lost my father-in-law(a wonderful man), my husband's career is pending, and the economy crashed making my business(and income)very erratic. I even lost my old faithful canine, my friend. I know, I know this is just life. Life throws you curveballs, yadda, yadda, yadda. Through these past 3 years, I've had time to evaluate and REevaluate our situation. The financial crisis has not just affected my family and I, but the whole world as well. We have been forced to minimize our lifestyles, to check ourselves, figure out what's important. Little "luxuries" like four dollar coffees have gone by the wayside, saved for special days. Take-out lunches or dinners have also taken a back seat. Vacations have been put on hold while we work more, get paid less, and try to figure this all out. We drive ourselves crazy holding onto hope. We have heard big promises by big politicians yet nothing seems to happen. As another job falls through we tell ourselves we have our health, our homes, we are lucky. This is little consolation to our spoiled society. We are used to having what we want when we want it. I am under the opinion that this giant financial snarl had to happen. Our lives had become excessive. Did we need to drive giant vehicles(Hummers, really?) while we fight oil baring countries in a war where the reason for the fight has been forgotten? Our winter migration left Florida in the sand while we took ourselves to more exotic locales to escape the lingering cold. Couldn't afford it, who cares put it on the plastic! Everything paid on credit. So silly, so ridiculous. It is only as an adult that I can realize how crazy all these expenditures are. Believe me I want to  travel, go shopping, do "normal" things like going out to dinner, but are all these things really THAT important or are we just made to believe they are by the media hype that surrounds us daily? Our high tech lives have left us unable to communicate on an interpersonal basis. We can't even take the time to spell out full words when messaging. We tap our feet impatiently while waiting in lines that aren't even long enough to become impatient. Our manners have been forgotten, doors don't get held, people don't say please or thank you, and PLEASE don't get me started on littering!
Well, now that I've had my say on this cyber soapbox, I leave you with the reason for my rant. Rich or poor we are all here together. I believe it is the "little things" that matter most. I DO believe that holding the door for someone is important, saying please and thank you go a long way, and really is it that hard to keep our terra verde clean?? No, I suppose these small gestures won't save our economy, but hopefully they WILL help us make this awkward time together a little nicer. Goodnight world.

school daze

Three years ago my son came home screaming. After having many many years of our fun, my husband and I took a look at my biological clock and decided now or never. Well it didn't take that long to make it "now" and nine months later our lovely was born. Beautiful and perfect in every way we thought what could be better than this? After 3 years spent doing all the usual baby stuff(diapers, formulas, no sleep) we still feel the same. Now comes school. Giddy with excitement our little family set off for Sully's first day of pre- k. As we turned to leave(he never even noticed)my husband and I were like kids in a candy store. Freedom! Two and a half blessed hours all to ourselves! What do we do now? Whoa, deja vu! That question was oddly reminiscent of the same question we asked ourselves when Sully came home for the first time, opened his tiny mighty lungs and made his presence known. Well I'll tell you what this mother did, got in the car, freedom forgotten, and cried. Now I am sure I am no different than any other mother on THEIR child's first day of school, but I had prepared for this, I was ready. I had been wishing for preschool ever since he started to walk. You see, due to financial constraints daycare was not an option so Sully started going to work with me at just 2 weeks old. When I was pregnant I had all these romantic notions about how wonderful it would be for him to grow up in mama's store. Yeah right, those notions went right out the window the minute he became mobile. Growing up in mama's store was like letting a German loose at Oktoberfest! It was one big delight for his burgeoning senses. No amount of paint or crayons or find cool stuff in the basement game could keep him out of my wares. I was never surprised to look up from my desk and see furniture being "artfully" rearranged(you think I'm kidding?) or one favorite moment was the pyre of new merchandise piled on the floor. Even better was the look of sheer terror on grandparent's faces as Sully tore out the open front door to visit the neighbors. So many daily instances had me as nervous as a cat on water. People would ask me, "How do you do it?" Um, I cry. So we have arrived, the moment I've been waiting for, preschool. Not so much my independence, but his as well. Kids, kids, kids he happily sang upon entering his new school. Oh shit, there go the waterworks, jeesh, I wanted this so why do I feel this way?
So now day 2 has ended. I had my first day at the shop all to myself, just the way I wanted it, so what did I do all day? I thought about dear one. I worried if he was happy, making friends, the usual mom thoughts. I counted the minutes until school ended. As I waited for my turn in the serpentine of suvs I caught a glimpse of my child looking dazed and tired, holding the teacher's hand searching each car for mama, mama. Mamas' here my love, mama never left you. Goodnight world.

wild things

As I sit at my desk listening to the crickets play their evening tune I reflect upon another day, a day at the zoo with my son. Free day at the zoo opens many doors to all walks of life, creatures excluded. It is a chance to see true human interaction at its finest. I have to marvel at the diverse crowds of people that turn child-like(myself included) at the opportunity to watch nature do, well, not much. Free day at the zoo encourages we humans to coexist, at least for a few hours, in relative simpatico. This leads me to wonder, how does said institution instill this kind of peace that tends to elude our daily lives? Are we no different than the animals that we feel at home in this environment? Are our homes, cars, careers, and many obligations just our cages? We as human creatures are at our core simply wild things struggling to stay civilized in harsh times. Times when impatience and frustration may build barriers in lines of communication. We go to work, we do the daily grind. We make nice with bosses and coddle cranky coworkers while inside we are secretly kicking and screaming and beating our chests. Not unlike our primal beginnings. If only we COULD kick our bosses every now and than, probably not a good idea though. Is survival of the fittest merely our ability to carry on while tackling our daily disasters? Getting up from the mat when we've been beat down ensures our capability to go forth each day with a new attitude and hopefully refrain from kicking anyone. Goodnight world.

master or servant?

In the year 2000 my husband and I wed and started our life together. Not quite ready for children we took the next logical step and bought a dog. Oh, but not just any dog, mind you, we HAD to have a LARGE dog. As the years went by our English Mastiff Orson grew to giant slobbery proportions. Giant feet repeatedly tracked dirt and poo through the house. Weekly wall(and ceiling) washings removed dried drool that sprayed from his giant shaking head like an elephant at a watering hole. Walking our beast would inevitably leave me tethered to some poor unsuspecting stranger or dragged behind while Orson fled numerous terrifying strollers and bicycles. These encounters always left me dazed and wondering WTF while Orson cowered next to me. Not to be left behind, large one accompanied us on every vacation, family outing, and even going to work with yours truly. One particular road trip had us gaping in awe as our sweaty panting animal proceeded to open his giant maw and deposit a whole corn cob on the backseat. Gross. Through all Orson was our baby. Our family wasn't complete without him. His epic proportions only gave us more to love. So many sick days were spent with him tucked against my body in our not so big bed. Bad days left me crying in his fur. Summer days had us drenched with lake water and itchy from sand while winter had us taking long quiet walks in the snow. Sadly as all love stories go Orson left this mortal coil after ten and a half happy years. Nine months later I still find myself crying as I write this.
Now I have a squirrel. A skittish creature that lives in my backyard and has grown quite accustomed to peanut butter bread. If he doesn't hear my voice he stares in my window until I acknowledge his presence with the morning treat.
I also have fish in a pond, a pond that had to be reconfigured and dug deeper as to save them from marauding night creatures. Another 6 mouths to feed. Six mouths that hover together each morning waiting for THEIR breakfast. Okay, coffee for mama, check, cereal for Sully, check, coffee for daddy, check, toast for squirrel, food for fish, check and check! Geesh, all these creatures big and small makes me wonder, am I the master of this domain or merely a servant to my surrounding fauna?
Whether it be dog, squirrel or fish, these quirky creatures start my day with a smile and the chance to watch tiny wild claws take food from my hand fills me with glee. Could be worse ways to start my day. Goodnight world.

family

Whoa, this post may just need several refills on the vino to handle this bunch of tricky subjects. Nothing brings family together more than a birthday and this time it was my 3 year olds. Now if you haven't read my previous posts let me update you by saying that birthdays to this mom are a big deal and my one and only deserved not one but three special days. Hey, only child so my right to spoil. It was like a birthday channukah up in here! Well after just two days of indulging my precious, by the third day my nerves were a bit raw. Not the best frame of mind when welcoming mother, father, father's girlfriend, and mother-in-law to celebrate dear one's glory. You know I poured some strong drinks for this partay! Let me tell you, after the running commentary about sleeping arrangements, bad gift choices(skateboard), time for cake?, embarrassing old photos, time for cake?, etc..this mother promptly went upstairs and puked up her cake. Now I suppose the reason for my gastric upheaval may have been the inordinate amount of junk food this 41 year old should not have injested, but I do know the tidal wave of nerves in my belly contributed as well. See, I like to think that the many facets of our familial dispositions can partake in celebration in relative harmony. I suppose this is extremely idealistic of me to wish this. Even though my parents have been divorced for years and say they are friendly the thought of all of us in one room together still causes a knot to form in my gut. I try to assuage this by having positive thoughts and drinking more wine. Doesn't work. Some gatherings are better left one on one rather than the whole posse. It is far easier for moi to love and appreciate each family member this way. I may complain but lest we forget the reason for said celebration, my son's birthday. What mattered most was his happiness. I believe the smile on his sleepy face was all the proof this mom needed. Happy birthday my love. Goodnight world.

flashback

My day began with an unexpected invite that had me jumping into my car and heading back-to-school. No I am not continuing my education(although my parents would love that)I was destination bound for Kent, Ohio on the hunt for a fabulous vintage leopard sofa and to spend time with a favorite cohort.
Kent State University was where I spent the better part of 4 years. Degree? No way Jose! It only took me 4 years, 4 different majors and 2 forced hiatus' (my parent's wierd decision) to make me realize higher education was not my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, college was great, I LOVED to party! I loved to skip class. I loved to ditch my paid for duties,drink coffee and solve ALL the world problems. Really though, oceanography, who cares? College algebra, speech, geology, PUHLEASE! Yes, I know I sound like a terrible role model for wayward teens, but come on I did do SOMETHING w/ my life. I did turn out just fine. I managed to take what I was born with, my creativity, and turn it into my passion and a way to bring home the bacon. Lean bacon at times yes, but bacon none the less. I really don't think that piece of paper was my key to happiness. Finding my way, though it's been difficult, has made me happy because what I do comes from me not an institution. My husband is a huge proponent of college education and yes I do think it's the smart(pardon my pun)way to go, just not for me. Driving around campus today did not have me yearning for my old classes and professors, but for a moment I was wistful for a simpler time. Life can just downright suck at moments and remembering that unencubered freedom put a smile on my face. Alas though I bid my mate adieu, pointed my car north and drove home. See you can go back to school if only for a couch and a cup of coffee. Goodnight world.

birthdays

Well here I sit on the eve of my 41st birthday. I don't feel the need to reflect on all 41 years, but to wonder the importance of such a day. My husband is under the belief that birthdays are no big deal, that life should be celebrated every day not just one "special" day of the year. Wow, how do you argue w/logic like that? On the other hand, and this is where my astrological work up comes into play, shouldn't we celebrate the all important day we were born? Shouldn't we surround ourselves w/friends and family who are happy that we exist? Aren't birthdays so important they take over not only the day, but the week, and sometimes the whole month? Now I certainly don't go to those extremes, but I do feel that at least one day, THE day should be all about me! My husband jokes that I celebrate the whole week, not so, but am I to reject plans others have made for me because he thinks it silly and unneccessary? Everyone has different ideas on how to rejoice in their BIG day. I have friends who go big w/fancy parties and trips to exotic locales while others are content w/quiet dinners or drinks on the porch. My special day plans are determined by my mood, finances, and weather. Being a summer baby I love to be outside preferably in the water, by the water or on the water. That is my idea of a perfect birthday. So I suppose no matter how you decide to tear it up on your big day, week or even month, revel in the fact that you do exist, you are loved and if this birthday sucks, hey there's always next year! Goodnight world.

love and marriage

Yes, I'm going there. I will try to tackle this ever tricky subject though not in a Dr. Phil/couples therapy kind of way. I've been doing a lot of driving lately so playing new music lessens the boredom. I find I am especially haunted by Alexi Murdoch's Away We Go soundtrack. There is one song in particular that makes me bawl like a baby. In short the line of the song that triggers my emotions goes as follows"If I can't be all that I can be, will you wait for me?" You see my husband and I have been together almost 15 years, whoo feels like we just met, and have endured many different careers together. Well actually he has sampled many different "careers". There was catering, cooking, making pasta, and even a quick jaunt in a garden center, so you can imagine my excitement when he proclaimed he was going to be a teacher. My husband was born to teach. He has a soft story-like way of recreating history or even his day that leaves you wanting more. Lets face it, if he can teach this rockhead about the Vietnam War, he can teach anyone. After 4 years of part-time master's program and a year of student teaching, he was graduated and ready for a job. Ah, there lies the rub. Job, what job? Unfortunately our education system is undergoing some wierd metamorphosis and once bountiful jobs have become scarce. To my dismay. See I was all ready to quit my restaurant job and just run my store and be a mom. Simplify. At this stage in my life simplicity and stability are what I  long for. So lack of jobs became a bone of contention on the homefront causing many an argument. Now I am a sensible person albeit an impatient one. I understand this roadblock is NOT his fault, but it doesn't make me feel any better. This leads back to the song line. Through all the many phases of our life together, the one constant is that I love my husband more than all the money in the world. If he can't be all that he was made to be, yes I will wait for him, for in his love is my salvation. Thank you Alexi for making me see the light. Goodnight world.

wine or whine.

Aha thought that might get your attention! Well now that my day is almost over and I am snuggly in my pajamas I am going to attempt to write and leave you wanting more of my wisdom. Hee hee. As I stare at this screen and think about writing of loftier subjects like love or marriage(don't worry it's coming soon) I suffer slight writer's block. This perplexes me after the barrage of ideas that left me jotting notes while driving. Here you thought texting and driving was a bad idea, just try using your dashboard as a desk, whoa, just missed that truck. So anyway here I sit getting slowly eaten alive by child size mosquitoes that have found a hole in a screen somewhere in this old house. . WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM??? Lord, off the subject again, not only writer's block but A.D.D. as well! I sit and sip my wine and think thank the Lord or Buddha for mommy's little helper. My bff and I have been doing babysitting swapping so we can save money. Well it's a great idea, but after an already long day, taking care of 2 beautiful boys just makes the day even longer. Especially when my own precious one never took a nap and proceeded to have very strange tantrums over a big red ball. Ok, crazy, time for a bath and BED! One down one to go. So I sat down to write, relax, and drink my wine and the 8 yr old tells me to be careful aunt Robin you don't want to get drunk. Well, yes, honey, as a matter of fact, I want to do just that. Unfortunately as good as that may sound I will just end up w/one outrageous migraine and spend the day staring down the toilet water. You see with 2 jobs, a child, and well you know the rest, there is nothing like a glass of wine at the end of a day. It doesn't have to be the best, it just has to do the trick. Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoy VERY GOOD EXPENSIVE wine, but a 5.99 bottle works just as well. A glass of wine can make me forget the llama almost biting my child, moving carloads of furniture for the store, 2 unbelievably exhausting shifts at the restaurant including a friendly rodent making new friends on the patio and even the endless stories and questions from an 8 yr old boy at 10:00 p.m. Ah salvation, it appears my bestie has arrived and my duties are over for the day and now it is time to fil my glass. Goodnight world.

live to work?

So while talking to my mother today I was dismayed to learn she had quit her NEW job. After 15 increasingly disgruntled years at her OLD job she finally got the gumption to leave and strike out on her own. The new "perfect" job appeared a dream come true! A decorator by trade she would be working w/others in her field. After excitedly arriving she was quickly shown her desk and told how to answer the phones. . what..wait??? Answer phones??!!! I'm sorry is this 1962? Are we watching a Mad Men episode? Wait you hired me as a receptionist?? I'm a decorator!! Well my tiny mother in her big shoes promptly took one giant step out that shiny glass door. . and cried.
This whole scenario leads me to wonder about careers, jobs, and work. What is the difference? What makes us stay at some jobs year after year or walk out after only 5 minutes? Do we work to live or live to work? This is the question we constantly ask ourselves after bad days and good. Take my jobs for instance, I own my own business and I work for a boss. My business is my life. I love it. It's what I do and know. I do not have a college degree(I really hate school). Fortunately I take after my mother's creative side. My other job waiting tables I also love, most of the time. When one has 2 jobs serving the general public it tends to wear on your nerves. There are days I go into my store and make no money and than go to the restaurant and make a ton of money. There are days in my store where I clean up and nights at the restaurant that bomb. Those are usually the nights I would like to dump red wine all over that one irritating pompous guest that just doesn't understand that I DON"T COOK THE FOOD I JUST SERVE IT!!! Jeesh. Those are the times when work is just work and I would happily do something else if I knew what to do. I know, why am I complaining when I am lucky enough to have not one, but 2 jobs in this crazy economy. Two jobs doesn't mean job security it just means I work more. Is it really work if I own it and it makes me happy? Does this make it a career? Is it really work when I make good tips? I suppose what I'm trying to say is good days or bad, we all work to live and hopefully get to be fortunate enough to live to work.

poo.

Well here I sit, day 2 of this writing adventure of mine, I reflect upon my day and the craziness that is my life. After a slew(sp?) of troublesome phone calls that began my day I had the opportunity to sit on my back porch and watch my child happily play in the driveway. Feeling somewhat calm all considering the morning events I thought how nice to just sit and enjoy the simplicity of child's play. . . yeah right!! As I was feeling blissful I watched my son bend over and procede to do his dirty business right there on the concrete! Yuck, Gross, WTF were the first 3 exclamations that came to mind, nevermind the fact that at least he did pull his undies down so as not to mess them, I suppose I should give credit where it is due. The big picture being that my son just took a shit in my driveway! Well I have never had children before so this is all new to me and poo is just well poo, it's gross anyway its served. After dealing with the mess and getting my husband out of bed to deal w/his crazy wife I had time to actually sit down, drink my coffee and yes, laugh. If we remember anything in life, let it be the ability to find humour in the smallest situations. Since the economy decided to take a nose dive down the crapper and tensions can tend to run high at home my husband and I have blessedly found the ability to laugh at life. Don't get me wrong it's not all roses, but when you have found your soulmate and can stay on the same page the majority of time than I suppose life ain't all that bad. This my friends is why I am able to get out of bed each day because sometimes life is positively beautiful and sometimes, well, there is just poo. Goodnight world.

vacation blues

Hello! Fresh off a fabulous vacation, I came home to a slurry of new worries and of course the big one REALITY! I am not one to sit and write about my troubles or anything for that matter, but my husband has had enough of my complaining the past 24 hours to last a lifetime. He has his own concerns for his future and how we continue to keep our house, business, cars, etc. So in the meantime I figured it would be therapeutic and hopefully amusing as well to write on about how to stay sane and not end up in rehab during these troublesome times. I will need to take a break to refresh my brain w/ a tropical concoction and dream of that sandy beach and ocean breeze that now has me in the doldrums considering I am back home in my lovely gray city.
So here I sit facing this computer screen and hoping it will knock these BROKEdown blues right out of me or I might just have to make another cocktail. Let me just hit you up w/some background. I own my own business and work as a waitress part time. My business is a wonderful little vintage home decor boutique. The past 2 weekends had big events scheduled where I was banking on making, well, bank. Not to be. It would just so happen that stupid stock market had to lose all it had gained and therefore my scheduled earning were not up to par, ugh, now how do I pay my damn rent and that gas bill that NEVER goes away?!! Grovel. Call the landlord(for the 3rd time)don't cash that check! So sick of doing that. Anyway after a lot of crying and soul searching(I take my business way too personally, hey what do you want, I'm a Leo!) I decided to just chalk it up, keep doing what I do, and now I write. The other part of this equation would be my husband's endless job search, for trying to be a teacher in a society where everyone now hates teachers is rough. So there he cooks in a hot kitchen and works for health insurance and little else. Now do you see my frustration?!
Anyway, I know my troubles pale in comparison to others, but when you are trying to just make a damn decent existence and have to wonder when your income will come flowing in(it's trickeling at this moment) you tend to panic and perceive your troubles as the ONLY troubles in these times. Please excuse my selfishness, but seeing that I'm not trying to save the world just my family, I hope you understand. On that note I will sign off for the evening and save more of my story for tomorrow. We haven't even gotten to the taking your kid to work chat. Until then, good night world.