evening song

Perhaps the time of day I enjoy as much as the morning is twilight time. Evening is a peaceful time, a time to reflect on the day's happenings. Just as a cup of morning coffee blasts off my day, my evening libation rounds out the last few hour's rough edges. Nothing is better than hearing the crickets chirp while my dishwasher happily purrs away the day's dirt, toys are properly placed, rooms are tidied, order has been restored to life's daily chaos. This is the time of day where I MUST empty my mind . My mother is one to just sit and think. She can spend hours just "thinking". I don't get it. I think all the time, at night I don't want to think anymore. Evening allows my comfort. While my husband works and my child sleeps I can just be. No demands placed. I can sit on my porch with cerveza in hand and an occasional cigarette (sorry we all have our vices) and be happy just watching the cars go down our street. In the winter I love to bundle in as many granny afghans as possible and cocoon myself against the world, hunkered down with my favorite trashy television or novel. I don't dare pick up a magazine because it starts the alien ship roar of my brain, gearing up for new ideas and a new day. Like I said, I must empty all that is up in that crazy head of mine. Being a creative person I need this time. The daily barrage of ideas and colors that define my business hit me like Serena at Wimbledon. I can almost hear a soft thud each time an idea lands in my gray matter. This writing venture I have set out upon seems to not only clear my head, but calm me as well. Strange, being that it is more creative fodder. I suppose whatever works to clear away daily clutter. This my friends is why I still have lots more to say so tune in next time. Goodnight world.

changing seasons

Armed with a wallet full of gift cards, my girlfriend and I set out Sunday to our local mall to do some damage. Being that the mall is one of these faux city outdoor malls we were able to enjoy the sunshine in between our spending. Store after store promised cozy sweaters, delicious outerwear, jeans in every style and boots, endless boots. So much fabulosity I had to physically clamp my jaw shut to keep the drool from spilling. One problemo. .it was almost 80 degrees. Now how am I supposed to get my fall fashion on when I'm sweating bullets under my chic poncho?!!  Summer has ended, indian or not it is over! I want to wear my extreme cowl neck sweaters and cropped Anthropologie pants. I want to put on my jewel toned clothes and welcome the chillier temps. Oh well. Wait for next week or tomorrow. The one nice or not so nice thing about the midwest and especially here by the lake, you never know when the weather can change. It has been 50 degrees in July for God's sake! 70 in February. Winter thaws followed by winter squalls. Ugh. We all say we're retiring to Florida, but then where would we vacation, oh that's right, Mexico. Anyway I couldn't live with eternal sunshine. I need gray rainy days or snowy stuck in the house blizzards. This type of weather truly is "chicken soup for the soul" only I like to think of it as chocolate cake or snickerdoodles or lasagna and garlic bread for the soul! Any cloud in the sky is my excuse to pull out the Joy of Cooking and make the house smell warm and cozy. Bring on the pumpkin, cinnamon, gingerbread, squash, pine, firesmoke, cool night air. Divine treats for our changing seasons senses.
After fall comes winter and to me that means one thing. . Christmas! I love Christmas! I love the glow of colored lights and anything covered in glitter. I love to bake cookies and store them in the freezer with warning notes to my husband not to eat 'til Christmas! I especially love presents, well hey let's be honest, don't we all(new gift cards hint, hint). I of course love to receive gifts, but now that I'm a mom I love to shop for my son especially. I have to say apple doesn't fall far from this tree for he also loves presents and I love to spoil him. My husband too gets spoiled. I can't help it. I hold back all year and Christmas is a time to go big, well as big as I am able. Thankfully not owning one credit card doesn't leave me in huge debt come January, but cash only goes so far.
Well after Christmas there is just winter and that means January. Does anyone like January, yuck, I don't even want to think about that. Honestly, can we please stop making resolutions that we have no intention of keeping? Maddening. Lose weight or don't, save money or don't, get organized or DON'T!!!! While you all are trying to keep to your half-assed resolutions, I will be ice skating or sled riding or skiing. Anything to combat the winter doldrums and where I live the seasonal depression disorder or in other words, the winter doldrums! Well my fine friends, I am going to leave you with that to chew on. I just don't even want to think about what comes after January, at least not until May when our fair city welcomes the sunshine back. So for now light a fire and enjoy the falling temperatures because we're all gonna be complaining come February! Goodnight world.

what matters

Over the past three years my life has had some big changes. I had a child, lost my father-in-law(a wonderful man), my husband's career is pending, and the economy crashed making my business(and income)very erratic. I even lost my old faithful canine, my friend. I know, I know this is just life. Life throws you curveballs, yadda, yadda, yadda. Through these past 3 years, I've had time to evaluate and REevaluate our situation. The financial crisis has not just affected my family and I, but the whole world as well. We have been forced to minimize our lifestyles, to check ourselves, figure out what's important. Little "luxuries" like four dollar coffees have gone by the wayside, saved for special days. Take-out lunches or dinners have also taken a back seat. Vacations have been put on hold while we work more, get paid less, and try to figure this all out. We drive ourselves crazy holding onto hope. We have heard big promises by big politicians yet nothing seems to happen. As another job falls through we tell ourselves we have our health, our homes, we are lucky. This is little consolation to our spoiled society. We are used to having what we want when we want it. I am under the opinion that this giant financial snarl had to happen. Our lives had become excessive. Did we need to drive giant vehicles(Hummers, really?) while we fight oil baring countries in a war where the reason for the fight has been forgotten? Our winter migration left Florida in the sand while we took ourselves to more exotic locales to escape the lingering cold. Couldn't afford it, who cares put it on the plastic! Everything paid on credit. So silly, so ridiculous. It is only as an adult that I can realize how crazy all these expenditures are. Believe me I want to  travel, go shopping, do "normal" things like going out to dinner, but are all these things really THAT important or are we just made to believe they are by the media hype that surrounds us daily? Our high tech lives have left us unable to communicate on an interpersonal basis. We can't even take the time to spell out full words when messaging. We tap our feet impatiently while waiting in lines that aren't even long enough to become impatient. Our manners have been forgotten, doors don't get held, people don't say please or thank you, and PLEASE don't get me started on littering!
Well, now that I've had my say on this cyber soapbox, I leave you with the reason for my rant. Rich or poor we are all here together. I believe it is the "little things" that matter most. I DO believe that holding the door for someone is important, saying please and thank you go a long way, and really is it that hard to keep our terra verde clean?? No, I suppose these small gestures won't save our economy, but hopefully they WILL help us make this awkward time together a little nicer. Goodnight world.

school daze

Three years ago my son came home screaming. After having many many years of our fun, my husband and I took a look at my biological clock and decided now or never. Well it didn't take that long to make it "now" and nine months later our lovely was born. Beautiful and perfect in every way we thought what could be better than this? After 3 years spent doing all the usual baby stuff(diapers, formulas, no sleep) we still feel the same. Now comes school. Giddy with excitement our little family set off for Sully's first day of pre- k. As we turned to leave(he never even noticed)my husband and I were like kids in a candy store. Freedom! Two and a half blessed hours all to ourselves! What do we do now? Whoa, deja vu! That question was oddly reminiscent of the same question we asked ourselves when Sully came home for the first time, opened his tiny mighty lungs and made his presence known. Well I'll tell you what this mother did, got in the car, freedom forgotten, and cried. Now I am sure I am no different than any other mother on THEIR child's first day of school, but I had prepared for this, I was ready. I had been wishing for preschool ever since he started to walk. You see, due to financial constraints daycare was not an option so Sully started going to work with me at just 2 weeks old. When I was pregnant I had all these romantic notions about how wonderful it would be for him to grow up in mama's store. Yeah right, those notions went right out the window the minute he became mobile. Growing up in mama's store was like letting a German loose at Oktoberfest! It was one big delight for his burgeoning senses. No amount of paint or crayons or find cool stuff in the basement game could keep him out of my wares. I was never surprised to look up from my desk and see furniture being "artfully" rearranged(you think I'm kidding?) or one favorite moment was the pyre of new merchandise piled on the floor. Even better was the look of sheer terror on grandparent's faces as Sully tore out the open front door to visit the neighbors. So many daily instances had me as nervous as a cat on water. People would ask me, "How do you do it?" Um, I cry. So we have arrived, the moment I've been waiting for, preschool. Not so much my independence, but his as well. Kids, kids, kids he happily sang upon entering his new school. Oh shit, there go the waterworks, jeesh, I wanted this so why do I feel this way?
So now day 2 has ended. I had my first day at the shop all to myself, just the way I wanted it, so what did I do all day? I thought about dear one. I worried if he was happy, making friends, the usual mom thoughts. I counted the minutes until school ended. As I waited for my turn in the serpentine of suvs I caught a glimpse of my child looking dazed and tired, holding the teacher's hand searching each car for mama, mama. Mamas' here my love, mama never left you. Goodnight world.

wild things

As I sit at my desk listening to the crickets play their evening tune I reflect upon another day, a day at the zoo with my son. Free day at the zoo opens many doors to all walks of life, creatures excluded. It is a chance to see true human interaction at its finest. I have to marvel at the diverse crowds of people that turn child-like(myself included) at the opportunity to watch nature do, well, not much. Free day at the zoo encourages we humans to coexist, at least for a few hours, in relative simpatico. This leads me to wonder, how does said institution instill this kind of peace that tends to elude our daily lives? Are we no different than the animals that we feel at home in this environment? Are our homes, cars, careers, and many obligations just our cages? We as human creatures are at our core simply wild things struggling to stay civilized in harsh times. Times when impatience and frustration may build barriers in lines of communication. We go to work, we do the daily grind. We make nice with bosses and coddle cranky coworkers while inside we are secretly kicking and screaming and beating our chests. Not unlike our primal beginnings. If only we COULD kick our bosses every now and than, probably not a good idea though. Is survival of the fittest merely our ability to carry on while tackling our daily disasters? Getting up from the mat when we've been beat down ensures our capability to go forth each day with a new attitude and hopefully refrain from kicking anyone. Goodnight world.

master or servant?

In the year 2000 my husband and I wed and started our life together. Not quite ready for children we took the next logical step and bought a dog. Oh, but not just any dog, mind you, we HAD to have a LARGE dog. As the years went by our English Mastiff Orson grew to giant slobbery proportions. Giant feet repeatedly tracked dirt and poo through the house. Weekly wall(and ceiling) washings removed dried drool that sprayed from his giant shaking head like an elephant at a watering hole. Walking our beast would inevitably leave me tethered to some poor unsuspecting stranger or dragged behind while Orson fled numerous terrifying strollers and bicycles. These encounters always left me dazed and wondering WTF while Orson cowered next to me. Not to be left behind, large one accompanied us on every vacation, family outing, and even going to work with yours truly. One particular road trip had us gaping in awe as our sweaty panting animal proceeded to open his giant maw and deposit a whole corn cob on the backseat. Gross. Through all Orson was our baby. Our family wasn't complete without him. His epic proportions only gave us more to love. So many sick days were spent with him tucked against my body in our not so big bed. Bad days left me crying in his fur. Summer days had us drenched with lake water and itchy from sand while winter had us taking long quiet walks in the snow. Sadly as all love stories go Orson left this mortal coil after ten and a half happy years. Nine months later I still find myself crying as I write this.
Now I have a squirrel. A skittish creature that lives in my backyard and has grown quite accustomed to peanut butter bread. If he doesn't hear my voice he stares in my window until I acknowledge his presence with the morning treat.
I also have fish in a pond, a pond that had to be reconfigured and dug deeper as to save them from marauding night creatures. Another 6 mouths to feed. Six mouths that hover together each morning waiting for THEIR breakfast. Okay, coffee for mama, check, cereal for Sully, check, coffee for daddy, check, toast for squirrel, food for fish, check and check! Geesh, all these creatures big and small makes me wonder, am I the master of this domain or merely a servant to my surrounding fauna?
Whether it be dog, squirrel or fish, these quirky creatures start my day with a smile and the chance to watch tiny wild claws take food from my hand fills me with glee. Could be worse ways to start my day. Goodnight world.

family

Whoa, this post may just need several refills on the vino to handle this bunch of tricky subjects. Nothing brings family together more than a birthday and this time it was my 3 year olds. Now if you haven't read my previous posts let me update you by saying that birthdays to this mom are a big deal and my one and only deserved not one but three special days. Hey, only child so my right to spoil. It was like a birthday channukah up in here! Well after just two days of indulging my precious, by the third day my nerves were a bit raw. Not the best frame of mind when welcoming mother, father, father's girlfriend, and mother-in-law to celebrate dear one's glory. You know I poured some strong drinks for this partay! Let me tell you, after the running commentary about sleeping arrangements, bad gift choices(skateboard), time for cake?, embarrassing old photos, time for cake?, etc..this mother promptly went upstairs and puked up her cake. Now I suppose the reason for my gastric upheaval may have been the inordinate amount of junk food this 41 year old should not have injested, but I do know the tidal wave of nerves in my belly contributed as well. See, I like to think that the many facets of our familial dispositions can partake in celebration in relative harmony. I suppose this is extremely idealistic of me to wish this. Even though my parents have been divorced for years and say they are friendly the thought of all of us in one room together still causes a knot to form in my gut. I try to assuage this by having positive thoughts and drinking more wine. Doesn't work. Some gatherings are better left one on one rather than the whole posse. It is far easier for moi to love and appreciate each family member this way. I may complain but lest we forget the reason for said celebration, my son's birthday. What mattered most was his happiness. I believe the smile on his sleepy face was all the proof this mom needed. Happy birthday my love. Goodnight world.