end of an era

Funny how life changes in an instant. This is always the thought when someone dies suddenly. Long illness or cancer you expect death and I suppose as one gets up in years you expect it more, but we're never ready. Going about my day with my five year old in tow, it was a pleasant hump day. Good sales, happy customers, happy child make a good day. Then the news comes. That hangdog look upon my neighbor's face that told me instantly what I already knew. How can this be? Two within two months. You hear of this happening with old married couples, but a couple of barbers? To me these were not just any old barbers. They had worked side by side for almost fifty years. They were family to each other. They took family trips to Cedar Point. Their kids grew up side by side in the barbershop. They had been together through love, marriage, kids, divorce, death. These men were old school Italian tough guys with hearts of gold and mouths like sailors. They couldn't have been more different yet were so much alike. Years together will do that. Today Paul left us. A sudden collapse this morning and by afternoon he was gone. Paul started the barbershop and recently celebrated fifty years. It was a surprise party complete with pasta, meatballs, and our local mayor. The vino flowed and in a flashbulb moment my barber and I were captured in a photograph. A photograph that sits beside my desk. Happier times caught on film. After Joe's death I found it hard to enter the barbershop. I couldn't walk by his chair. Paul knew this. Recently he walked in leaving a trail of tiny hairs in his wake. He said I had been on his mind. This was hard for Paul. He wasn't one to let emotion define his persona. He was cool as a cucumber. Classy like an old film star. Paul was who I turned to when life was too much. He listened without saying a word, without judgement. He would give me no bullshit advice that soothed my worried soul. He was peaceful. He made me feel peaceful. Where Joe was loud, Paul was quiet. Even as my child raced through the shop wreaking holy havoc all over the place, Paul remained quiet as he slipped wild child dollar bills. Unflappable. He had been there done that. He traded a wild youth for the love of his life, family, and his barbershop. Devout Catholic. Florida in January. Simple life, what we all strive to achieve. Ten years I had the honor of being their neighbor. I knew this day would come, feared this day would come. Now that they're gone I feel empty, my heart too heavy for words. There will be no more conversations. No more appreciative looks at my backside. No more stories of younger days. No more Saturday pizza or bad coffee. My guardians are gone. The barbershop is dark. I don't know the fate of this iconic local institution, but I'm sure the young barber will take good care of the place. Either way it is the end of an era. Paul, just like Joe, you hold a special place in my heart. I love you and will miss you. Good night world.

parents: part two

Honest to God, there needs to be a manual on how to deal with one's parents once you hit middle age. Nothing I hate more than that moniker, middle age, yuck. Life is so tricky and complicated at this age. There are so many concerns, children, jobs, parents. I realize these are concerns at any age but at 43 you realize there is an urgency to life that wasn't there before. Before, your whole life stretched out in front of you. Now you hear the clock ticking. With that said, I try to keep the life drama to a minimum. This is hard for an emotional person. It is even harder with an emotional mother. Today was a tough one. Today ended with me feeling beat up, stepped on and just plain low. The kicker is, I didn't start the day feeling this way hence why I'm so angry. Today started with a lovely lazy morning watching my favorite bickering ladies of New York City. I've stated before how much better life looks after watching these crazy housewives. Who can blame them though? A bunch of women thrown together and expected to play nice with one another. Ha! Like that always happens? Anyways, I digress. This is what happens when I'm too emotional, my thoughts wander like a toddler in a department store. I mentioned before my mother is like a hurricane and when that wind whips up, watch out because you are in the eye of the storm my friend. Today I was in the eye. My mother particularly hates when she thinks I'm defending my father. So silly. I love them both equally yet am always having to prove my love to my mother. This makes me beyond crazy. I don't understand this weird jealousy or competition that exists only in her head. They say divorce does strange things to people and I believe that, Amen! No good ever comes out of arguing on the phone, but when one is two hours away this happens. After trying to break through the assault on my ear drums I was left with only dead air. Really?!!! She hung up, again. Come on, aren't we adults here? Ahhh, there lies the rub. This is where the tides turn. Role reversal. One hears of it happening yet it's not until you are smack dab in the middle of it when you realize it's happening now. I suppose part of the problem relating to one's parents at this age is exactly that. The relating. After years of being the child, you grow up and become an adult. This is what every parent wants for their child, to pave the way so they can grow up and live separate from the warm safe womb. I believe this is where the switch begins, when there is nothing left to parent. I imagine a feeling of desperation takes hold. A need to be wanted. A fear of being left behind now that their job is over. This is when a parent needs to understand that their job is never over, it has just changed. A natural course of action for a natural progression of life. For some this is difficult and they hold too tight to old habits. Scolding their adult child for talking back or smoking a cigarette or saying fuck. Yes, I believe in respecting my elders, but if I want to say the F word it is my right as an adult. Same goes for smoking or decisions I make concerning my child. They may not always be the right choices, but they are my choices as a mother and should be respected. I also have opinions. Fierce strong liberal opinions that don't always fly with my conservative father. This too is okay because I was raised to have my own mind and be an independent thinker. All this gets forgotten when the parent is facing their adult child. Supposed unconditional love that suddenly has all these conditions. This is where that manual would come in handy. I could flip to a chapter, see the magical answer and everything would be right in the world. Unfortunately it doesn't happen this way and here I sit frustrated and crying. Crying like the child I've been reduced to when faced with my mother's wrath. 43 freakin' years old and upset because mommy got mad. For the love of God, could this be more ridiculous? Well I haven't found any magical answers and this too shall pass, but in the meantime it sure was nice dear readers, borrowing your ears for a little while. Someone to listen is really all we ever need. Good night world.

parents: part one

Our parents always said, "Just wait until you have kids!" Well now I have a child and finally I am able to  understand what they were talking about all these years. Child rearing is not easy, not one little bit. If you have been keeping up with this little blog of mine then you have read my trials and tribulations with our wild child. Raising him in my shop was not easy and there were times I was not proud of my behavior. I was not always patient and kind and soft-spoken. Our lives were hectic and unstable and the economy had crashed. My husband and I were working two jobs, raising our first child, and dealing with disappointment after disappointment when job interviews fell through. Working in a restaurant was not ideal either for it was a late night lifestyle with an early morning riser. We were shell-shocked and bleary-eyed and thought WTF did we do?! Through the past five years we have quit the restaurant job, accepted, very begrudgingly, the economic state of our country, and realized that just having a job is good enough for now. We are happy, healthy, and oh, this child. This child, my 5 year old going on 15 is the best thing to happen to us. He makes us want to be better, nicer, and more patient. I now know what it feels like to unselfishly give to another. Please, don't get me wrong, there are still times when I want the last cookie or I want to buy myself something new instead of another new Lego kit, but watching the little man's joy over his Legos warms my heart. His joy is so bountiful, so honest. As I raise my son I reflect on my childhood and my parents. Family vacations in the car with the fat basset hound and car sick mother. My father especially loved the puking pit stops he'd have to make. To this day that white church at the beach is forever known as "where mom puked". Fighting with my sister over everything. Listening to my parents bicker, my mother all hurricane fury and my father retreating to his office to escape. Christmas Eve traditions with Nat King Cole and finger food. My mother loves finger food. Friday night pizza. Baseball games with my father. Woody Allen movies where my father would giggle and my mother declaring the actor an ass. Listening to her roar with laughter over Peter Seller's Pink Panther movies. My sister and I every Christmas declaring a truce to sleep in her bed and wait for Santa. Now, my parents are divorced. Two people who loved each other madly yet were oil and water when mixed. All that bickering couldn't keep them together. As I think about their marriage and my marriage I can't help but see similarities. My husband and I are complete opposites. I am the hurricane fury like my mother and he is the calm one like my father. I have often wondered if our fate will be like theirs. I have often wondered if all my manic energy will deplete our love for each other. What I have realized, what makes ours different is that we keep trying. My parents would say they kept trying yet one gave up and the other had no choice. Life works like that sometimes. I love my husband implicitly and have learned through thick and thin, don't give up, for he is the only one for me. Yes, my child's memories will hold flashes of bickering and yelling yet he will also remember dada grabbing mama's butt in the kitchen or us holding hands or kissing in the ocean. There will be road trips to the beach with mama's recently acquired motion sickness and that almost incident on the tea cups at the carnival. There will be dogs and old Christmas carols and fancy finger food. Sports and movies and pizza, there's always pizza. As a parent you want to give your child everything and then some. There are good memories and there will also be bad memories, but they will be his memories. His memories to draw upon as he becomes an adult and starts his life separate from us. So to my son I give him my past, my present, and my future. May he always do the right thing with what he's given and may he never give up or forget to love. Good night world.