parents: part two

Honest to God, there needs to be a manual on how to deal with one's parents once you hit middle age. Nothing I hate more than that moniker, middle age, yuck. Life is so tricky and complicated at this age. There are so many concerns, children, jobs, parents. I realize these are concerns at any age but at 43 you realize there is an urgency to life that wasn't there before. Before, your whole life stretched out in front of you. Now you hear the clock ticking. With that said, I try to keep the life drama to a minimum. This is hard for an emotional person. It is even harder with an emotional mother. Today was a tough one. Today ended with me feeling beat up, stepped on and just plain low. The kicker is, I didn't start the day feeling this way hence why I'm so angry. Today started with a lovely lazy morning watching my favorite bickering ladies of New York City. I've stated before how much better life looks after watching these crazy housewives. Who can blame them though? A bunch of women thrown together and expected to play nice with one another. Ha! Like that always happens? Anyways, I digress. This is what happens when I'm too emotional, my thoughts wander like a toddler in a department store. I mentioned before my mother is like a hurricane and when that wind whips up, watch out because you are in the eye of the storm my friend. Today I was in the eye. My mother particularly hates when she thinks I'm defending my father. So silly. I love them both equally yet am always having to prove my love to my mother. This makes me beyond crazy. I don't understand this weird jealousy or competition that exists only in her head. They say divorce does strange things to people and I believe that, Amen! No good ever comes out of arguing on the phone, but when one is two hours away this happens. After trying to break through the assault on my ear drums I was left with only dead air. Really?!!! She hung up, again. Come on, aren't we adults here? Ahhh, there lies the rub. This is where the tides turn. Role reversal. One hears of it happening yet it's not until you are smack dab in the middle of it when you realize it's happening now. I suppose part of the problem relating to one's parents at this age is exactly that. The relating. After years of being the child, you grow up and become an adult. This is what every parent wants for their child, to pave the way so they can grow up and live separate from the warm safe womb. I believe this is where the switch begins, when there is nothing left to parent. I imagine a feeling of desperation takes hold. A need to be wanted. A fear of being left behind now that their job is over. This is when a parent needs to understand that their job is never over, it has just changed. A natural course of action for a natural progression of life. For some this is difficult and they hold too tight to old habits. Scolding their adult child for talking back or smoking a cigarette or saying fuck. Yes, I believe in respecting my elders, but if I want to say the F word it is my right as an adult. Same goes for smoking or decisions I make concerning my child. They may not always be the right choices, but they are my choices as a mother and should be respected. I also have opinions. Fierce strong liberal opinions that don't always fly with my conservative father. This too is okay because I was raised to have my own mind and be an independent thinker. All this gets forgotten when the parent is facing their adult child. Supposed unconditional love that suddenly has all these conditions. This is where that manual would come in handy. I could flip to a chapter, see the magical answer and everything would be right in the world. Unfortunately it doesn't happen this way and here I sit frustrated and crying. Crying like the child I've been reduced to when faced with my mother's wrath. 43 freakin' years old and upset because mommy got mad. For the love of God, could this be more ridiculous? Well I haven't found any magical answers and this too shall pass, but in the meantime it sure was nice dear readers, borrowing your ears for a little while. Someone to listen is really all we ever need. Good night world.