growing up

Feeling particularly edgy this morning I decided to ignore the angry sky, grab my board and hit the water. A gusty south wind did little to ruffle the surface of the glassy calm. My lake the color of army fatigues made barely a sound as my paddle propelled me forward using only my body as the motor. Just me and the birds. Enjoying the gloom and the repetitive motion of paddling I once again felt the tension leave my back and shoulders. As I changed direction and headed downwind, the city a blocky silhouette in the distance, I felt the breath leave my body. A great big audible sigh of relief. After so many years of worry and stress our life is finally on track. My husband has found his career. This week begins his new life as a high school computer teacher. All the years of tears, frustration, worry, stress, anger are merely a bad memory. My husband says "Don't worry, you'll just find something new to worry about." Well once again the man is right. I don't know how NOT to worry. Ebola, money, flesh eating bacteria, the trifecta of worries in my crazy brain. My edginess this morning was brought on by slow business and the next three weeks waiting for that first paycheck and praying the store pulls through. Every October I go through this. Business screeches to a slamming halt and I have to sell my soul to make anything happen. The bills pile up and the estate sales always seem to be the BEST SALES EVER when I'm broke. Well, after my time on the lake this morning I realized, it's only three weeks. I've waited longer than this for our life to gain momentum so I suppose I can make it through three lousy weeks. In the meantime I'll just keep working and paddling. So now that my husband is all settled it is time to focus our attention on the little man. After many stressful years and running from job to job and job interviews and arguments and worrying about the future we realized we had spent so much time having our child adjust to our life that it was now time to afford him the same courtesy. As parents you think you're doing the right thing in that moment. You try to be the best parents you know how even though you don't know what the heck you're doing. They say kids need structure and schedules. We thought we were giving him that. After one too many notes from the new kindergarten teacher and a phone call, we realized maybe we weren't being the best parents we could be. Love was never the problem. Sully has never been without love. He is our heart. His former teacher said every family has a level of stress and to not beat ourselves up too much. Well, too late. He is our everything and we had been so consumed with creating a better life for our little family that we let a few things slip through the cracks. Frayed nerves and tired bodies made for sub par parenting or so we felt. It's hard to back peddle and change the habits of the past six years, but this is just what we did. We have established routines, family dinners, less television, and in general just more time spent together. "Us a family" as Sully always says. Well whatever we were before, we are more so now. There is a new level of patience and understanding from both of us. I am more calm or at least I'm trying and will be now that our situation has changed for the better. Peace has ensued and wrapped around us like a warm quilt. The Peter Pan lifestyle has been left behind and in its place is a new found sense of maturity and adulthood. Growing up is never easy whether you're age 6 or 44 yet it is a normal rite of passage. Like a young tree we are now able to grow and spread our branches because we are finally rooted and there is so much light coming in and most important, there is love, oh so much love. Good afternoon world.