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Here we are, January. Blech. After so much excitement and hullabaloo the past two months, I now sit here feeling restless and bored. In a rut or a mid-life crisis. Do people actually have those anymore or were they merely a byproduct of restless husbands and wives in the eighties. I remember so many Lifetime movies about just that subject. Anyway, such is my mood today. Wandering Target this morning buying food and more food when I really wanted to spend my gift card on me, I couldn't help but sigh and feel dejected, letdown. I hate when I feel this way. It does nobody any good. Least of all, my family. My temper is short and everything pisses me off. Wrinkle cream, that was my one purchase to make myself feel better. One tiny thing to placate my irritable nature. What I really need is a good injection of Botox right between my eyes, but wrinkle cream was cheaper. See where this is going? Feeling old and broke rather than positive and ambitious. I feel as if my vacation just ended and reality has hit, that re-entry thing I wrote about a few months ago. I need to do a Taylor Swift and shake, shake, shake, shake it off, shake it off yet here I sit complaining to you kids and drinking wine way too early in the day. Oh well, just a mood. Tomorrow I will use all my mental tools to combat this winter depression. Honestly, I have not one thing to complain about yet human nature is never satisfied. I am not satisfied. I spent six long years obsessing and worrying over my husband's career and now he's settled so I feel like a lion out of a cage. I want to take on the world, move my business a little farther into the future, try new things, new adventures with new friends. I am overcome with excitement about the future yet here I sit anxious over the same old, same old. I told my husband yesterday that my life would be easier with a credit card and the minute the words were out of my mouth I was instantly reminded(by the dreamkiller himself)that life would not be easier and I would be in debt up to my eyeballs. I really hate when that man is right. Ooh, it irks me so. Truth be told though, he's right. I would be in debt, my wanderlust taking over all my senses and we would be in Florida right now. At least I would be tan. Oh vanity, you evil bitch. So, I'm not in Florida, I'm in Cleveland and right now the Cle is depressing me. Half melted snow and half warm temps. No commitment to anything, just have to take it as it comes. Oh, it's kinda warm today, great, oh, but it's snowing tomorrow, grand. Right now you're probably like oh quit whining. Yeah, I know, but sometimes it feels sooo good to just get it out and then I feel better. If not I'll pour more wine. Lately I have decided to "just do it" as Nike says. I have realized there are things in life I want and I'm tired of dreaming about them. I am pursuing my life with a vengeance. Unfortunately this way of thinking goes against everything I've been doing the aforementioned six years. It is causing me great anxiety because it goes against a more cautious, practical nature I've developed over these tough years. The economy had me questioning every purchase, cup of coffee, even a magazine was an expenditure. Now, I still feel cautious yet I fight it with all my soul. I am, in a nutshell, fighting myself. I need to remember that life is actually working out just fine. My best laid plans will happen, I am making damn sure. January is just a roadblock, a time to get my thoughts straight, recharge. Tomorrow I will stalk the lake, eager to try out my new winter wet suit. If conditions aren't right I will come home and go crazy on my punching bag. I need to get back to exercise because at this age, wine doesn't just go to my head. Exercise is good for me, without it I end up at my trusty laptop bitching to a silent audience. So thank you dear readers for once again letting me clear my head. Now, I am going to pour more wine, play some Jenga with the little big man, and eat something fattening because tomorrow I start all those God forsaken resolutions and ain't nobody got time for more of my complaining. Good night world.

reflections

Quiet, oh so quiet. No sounds of running feet or clattering pans. Once again here I sit in my big bed with my old coffee next to me trying to condense the happenings of 2014 into a ten inch column. Big man and little big man off to school today while I lounge in my thrift store robe. 2014 was not a good year, it was not a bad year, it was a mixed up year that began with so much sorrow and ended with so much happiness. Looking back, remembering icy cold temps and polar vortexes, I shiver just thinking about it. Today the wind blows strong yet there is just a dusting of snow on the streets. For that I am thankful. This year I will happily take a pass on all things snow related. Last January was spent in a frozen bubble while February brought the passing of the first of my friends. April came about with the loss of the second. Two great men gone and missed everyday. Life is still not the same without my Italian guardians, but life goes on and my memories are strong. I try not to dwell on their passing because I still tear up when thoughts of them creep into my heart. May brought another show, another chance to sell my wares and have fun in the country. The paddle board also made it's spring debut breaking out of it's winter hibernation for the first of many lovely happy hour paddles with friends. The end of May brought heartbreaking news with the death of another friend, this one much younger. The passing of my friend's husband rocked our world and taught us once again that fighting depression can be a losing battle. With June came the end of school for both boys and an impromptu road trip to the Sunshine State with my bestie. For the rest of summer, my son and I were sun-kissed and water-logged while my husband balanced on scaffolding 3 stories high painting old victorian houses.Vacation came and went in a sandy blur and back-to-school was on the horizon. Fall approached with kindergarten and new career possibilities for my husband while I relished my free time and spent every waking moment on the lake. October crash landed with stagnant business at the shop yet a new permanent position as a high school teacher for my husband. Ahhh, here is where the worm began to turn. Winter came with an early blast of cold and snow and a career opportunity for your's truly that blew me away, an appearance on a design show with a hunky host. In case you hadn't heard, you can watch my national television debut on Fix It and Finish It, Monday January 26 at 9:30 a.m. on CBS. There. Shameless self-promotion done. That stressful, whirlwind, so much fun experience will be forever burned in my memory. Here's to many more where that came from, wink, wink. The weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with events, home renovation, friends and family. So much good time spent laughing over good food and cocktails with the favorites in my life. Christmas arrived with my house full of family and love, all lit by the glow of my old Christmas lights. Perfect. Finally, the end, New Year's Eve. Yuck. I hate New Year's Eve. I don't know if it's because the holidays are officially over or the pending anxiety of January and winter. Our celebration was simple this year. My men and I met my girlfriend and her boys at our favorite Mexican spot. Margaritas were drained, teenagers embarrassed, and my husband shaking his head at the normality of it all. After getting our son off to bed, it was just the two of us. Right where we started almost 18 years ago. So much has happened in all these years together. Ups and downs. All spent side by side. Our child now old enough to join hands, us a family, as he likes to say. The three of us, ready to conquer our world, side by side by side. We have come out of the dark and into the light. My heart feels peaceful. My head buzzing with the possibility of new opportunities and adventures. Life is good, life is bad, and life sure can be mixed up yet love is the one constant in our life and this love continues to propel us forward. Cheers 2015 and Happy New Year! Good afternoon world.