demands

Today is the kind of day where I would happily take my tiny stash of money and board an airplane straight to Florida. Running away seems like the perfect solution to avoid my troubles for the temporary time being. Temporary being the key word here. Running away never helps, but it sure is nice dreaming of a beach complete with free unencumbered time and a big freakin cocktail to numb me. I know my friend would welcome me with open arms again and Alice's canal would sure lull me back to some semblance of normalcy. This beautiful fantasy unfortunately is not going to happen today so I am stuck with this crappy day and all my troubles. Of course my troubles are nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have my health, family, home, etc. It is just a day where I feel I cannot give enough to all the masters I serve. Certain persons with their well-intentioned meddling advice about my mothering skills are not welcome in my world today. The big stupid leak from my toilet into my kitchen this morning did not bode well with my morning coffee. The amount of dusty merchandise piled in the back of my store and in my car is staring me down making me feel even more inadequate because with my child wreaking havoc behind my desk, I just can't get to it. Dare I mention the mountain of crap on top of my desk also a lovely reminder of my said inadequacy. There are also financial demands this week because that $@##* leak now needs fixed and plumbers don't work for free. My list goes on, but I will not bore you with all the minutae. Through the ages mothers have taken care of their families by cooking, cleaning, shopping, loving and in many other ways that tend to go unnoticed. Now in this millenium not much has changed. We do this job because we love our husbands and children. It's a no brainer. It is also very difficult in a time that does not allow to focus on one job, but multiple. With the plethora of jobs I have employed over the years, nothing prepared me for this one. My husband has always been a huge asset(thank God) jumping right in and sharing the amount of housework, childcare, etc. His schedule allowed it. Now with his career finally taking off, I am left with more of the "burden". This does not allow much time for my business. Oh sure, I am there as much as possible, but the quality of this time does not add up. To own a small business is a LOT of work and thankfully I love it, but it also takes a LOT of time, something which I'm short on. It's great our child goes to school, but just when I get into my displays, pricing, cleaning, painting, rearranging, phone calls, customers(get the picture) I have to drop what I'm doing and everything gets put on hold until the next time I'm alone. Now there is a reprieve. Our restaurant career is FINALLY coming to a close. Two more weeks and I can scratch that off my list. Two more weeks and our little family will have more time together. No more dragging my poor 3 year old to the shop. No more tantrums in front of potential buyers. No more toys behind my desk. Two more weeks and my beautiful boy can run free like he should be doing.  The wracking guilt I feel over the situation doesn't help, but as stated previously daycare has never been an option so I deal with it and not always well. Sometimes mommies too have their tantrums. Unfortunately being an adult this is often frowned upon. Today I don't care. Today I threw a nice big tantrum complete with tears and stamping feet. Today this is how I dealt with my life. Today my mother-in-law whisked my child away with a look akin to aghast on her face and is probably calling social services as we speak. Now I really am exagerrating(about social services that is) not the tantrum. All I could think was GOODBYE!  After 2 hours of quiet and a solo trip to my favorite hispanic mercado, I was in much better shape. So I suppose we mothers really can have it all, as long as we are allowed our occasional tantrum too! Goodnight world.

death

Today marks the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's death. Anxiously bumping along preparing for our big life changes, I didn't even notice how fast the year had flown. Last April our family was busy making final arrangements for this great man. A great man that would be so annoyed at my post. Being a public figure, my father-in-law shunned most publicity and spotlight. He was a humble man not in the least interested in fame and fortune. He was a man driven by law, God, and his family. If one did not fit into these three categories than he really didn't take much notice, well except for football that is. Football was the end all, be all in this family. Football was also the reason for this legend's demise. Having a professional football career in a leather helmet era led to way too many knocks on the noggin. Unfortunately no one at the time thought anything of it, ah, just get up, you're fine. Well fifty some years later those knocks took their toll and this man who's mind made him what he was, slowly lost his. Nobody should have to watch a person disintegrate from Alzheimer's disease. It is a disease that sucks at you until only left with a mere shell of a person. Oh sure, we have funny stories to tell, little snippets about dad's final behaviors that are meant to make us not feel so damn bad, when in truth they just make us feel worse. Now that a year has passed and I have spent the day trying NOT to feel so damn sad, I can remember the man before the disease. My most vivid memory was when my husband and I started dating and this big white-haired man came into the restaurant, grabbed my wild man's face in two big hands, said "hello sweetheart", and gave John a big kiss on each cheek. You see my husband was wild, way too Irish for his own good, he spent many a night cozied up to the bar at the end of a long evening. That didn't stop me or anyone for that matter from loving my soon-to-be husband. Thankfully those days are long past and the only bar he cozies up to would be our breakfast bar in the kitchen waiting for his morning coffee fix. The fact that this man could turn my man into putty with just a gesture says volumes. No one was ever able to tame this fiercely independent child yet my father-in-law only had to walk in a room and ever so subtley my husband would stand just a little straighter. The pride my father-in-law felt for his family was insurmountable. Every football or lacrosse game had my father-in-law cheering on his children and grandchildren. I know we all wish he could still be here to watch my nephews run their passes and tackle their giant opponents. I know my beautiful nephews feel the loss of his presence at every game and every day. Such a large presence to be without. From dating to marriage, my father-in-law welcomed me with open arms and for the last 14 years I felt like one of his own children. I loved his son so he loved me, simple. Now I only have to look at my child or nephew to see my father-in-law. My son's steely blue eyes and my nephew's profile give me a pleasant jolt of nostalgia every time I look at their lovely faces. So dad, I'm going to wipe my tears, cut the crap and get to the chase. We love you, we miss you, and we wish you were still here to keep us all in line. Good night world.

melting pot

Hispanic, arabic, asian, albanian, indian, french, german, italian, black, white, gay, straight, etc., no I'm not studying anthropology or political correctness. Driving around my fair city the other day allowed me to take notice of the many cultures, colors, and lifestyles surrounding us. Diversity thrives like the wild mint next to my driveway. Growing up in a world as white as Wonder bread always left me longing for "something else". For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with other languages, cultures, food, people. Marrying a lebanese/irish man opened up a whole new world for me. No I'm not talking Guinness and pubs here. I'm talking about kibbie, grape leaves, sheik el mishwa, and other deliciousness I don't dare try to spell. Not to mention the language which is as complicated as calculus, but oh so beautiful to listen to. I have been trying to learn this new world of strange letters and symbols and so far the only words I'm coming up with are please and thank you and a slew of dirty words I probably shouldn't mention. I will keep trying to master this so obsessed am I. Today's grocery adventure led my son and I to the hispanic market  in the neighborhood. The trays of spicy marinated meats, crazy cheeses, salsas, so many tortillas and tamales had my mouth watering. Tonight's dinner will be a marvel accompanied by a cool Corona of course! The Spanish language is also another obsession. I try to learn through snippets of my son's Dora and Diego cartoons, along with our Honduran prep cook helping with basic conversation. It amazes me, the more I speak, the more I remember from school and that just makes me want to learn more, more, more. My husband says it sounds like we have a Mexican nanny when I'm yelling at my son in Spanish. Of course Spanish leads to French. So intrigued I spent a year in school trying to master this romance language. My knowledge of this particular patois is more extensive than most yet I still struggle. Working in a restaurant all these years opened my eyes to other countries I seriously never knew existed. Albania, where the hell is that, well I can tell you it's by Italy and Greece. It has beautiful beaches and no one really likes peanut butter there. Honestly ask any of my Albanian friends. My favorite Albanian loves to swear at me in her native language, accent as thick as mud, while she yells bitch across the kitchen. God, I love her. Only in America or at least in this particular corner of the rust belt. For tonight though, I will smoke my cigarette on the porch while I watch my beautiful Indian neighbor in her vibrant saris walk her young children before bedtime. However you open your eyes to culture, whether through food or language or travel, know that your world is truly a melting pot and for this reason a more beautiful and interesting place to reside. So dear check out guy at the arabic market, if you see me staring at you strangely it is only because I wish I could speak and understand your lovely language. Good night, bonne nuit, buenas noche, natanamir, world.

tired

Today was the kind of long boring day that made me wish I had listened to my inner slacker and stayed at home...in my pjs. After spending the past week moving, cleaning, painting, and arranging a few loads of heavy furniture not to mention waking at the crack of dawn for an estate sale I am bone tired. The weekend itself was a whirlwind of jobs and visiting family. Not that I don't love my dad, but did I really have to get all manic and make a delicious yet complicated lamb stew and homemade lemon meringue pie. Yes, cooking is comfort for my soul, but as I mentioned, I am freakin' tired! Being it was a belated birthday celebration, I was not able to shelve my obsessive need to well, celebrate, which brings me to my current state, cranky. I am so cranky and tired that every little move my wild child makes is leaving me cringeing and edgey. It would be one thing if he could just chill and watch his shows, but oh no, hopped up on early Easter candy he is a tornado of activity this evening. The pizza I decided to make is taking forever because my oven has become psychotic and is nuclear one day and like a toaster the next. I suppose I should call a repairman, but I just don't feel like it. This appliance hex that has decided to descend upon my home is also adding to my current crankiness. The furnace seems to have the same problemo as my lovely oven. Oh, you're working today? Great. Yesterday I had to sweet talk it to turn on, you mother****just work, dammit. Did I mention it's a pretty new furnace, nice, huh? Bitch, bitch, bitch, I know just shut up, right? Well this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to. Okay, now I feel better. Sorry dear readers, sometimes it just is what it is. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I think I will go kiss my child who is thankfully eating that pizza and finally still. My pjs are already on and my wine and pizza await along with my night of Bravo reality fabulousity. Bring it on housewives because your problems are always worse than mine! Good night world.