letting go

After hanging up on yet another particularly volatile argument with my sister I sit in reflection writing and wondering where it all went so wrong. For as long as I can remember my sister and I have been at odds. I don't understand why. I have wracked my brain trying to put it into perspective. Out of respect for her feelings, I have an idea yet cannot share these innermost musings. This situation saddens me to my soul. I watch other sisters share a relationship born of love, understanding, and most of all communication. I believe this is the core of the issue, the lack of communication. Ironically that is my sister's profession yet when it comes to personal life, falls short. Through the years I have worked many jobs, but the one constant was waitressing. Working as a server for so long one learns to communicate with many walks of life on all levels. There is no more direct line of communication than in restaurant work. One must be able to relay orders to a kitchen, a bartender, a bus person, other servers, a manager, and most importantly their own tables. One little blip in the chain and there went my tip. Supporting myself this way I could not afford to allow any ripple in the lines of communication. Needless to say I made it my job to learn how to communicate. With so many years of relationships under my belt including my own marriage, communication has never been an issue. When it comes to my own sister it is an issue. To be fair, there are two sides to every story in every relationship. There wouldn't be discourse if there wasn't another with which to argue. I am bossy, sarcastic, opinionated, a tease, and extremely independent. I don't like unrealistic demands placed on my lifestyle nor do I like feeling as if I have to explain my every action. I can be selfish and mean. I am also loyal and loving to those I feel warrant my affection. My friends are like my family and I love them fiercely and deeply sometimes holding back my words out of respect for our relationships and the love I feel for them. We all do this when it comes to loved ones. Family is also extremely if not more important to me. Marrying a man who is half Lebanese I was introduced to a culture I knew nothing about. The unconditional almost clannish love these people have for their own blood brings tears to my eyes. No one is more welcoming then my husband's family even if all is not harmonious on the home front. My mother-in-law and I have our problems, but there is never any judgement and we always talk out our issues and I love her as much as my own mother. Plain and simple we are there for each other not unlike my own family yet my own family feels I've been swallowed up by all this and have forgotten my own blood. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Of course I am immersed in my husband's clan because we all live in the same city. Crossing state lines to visit my own parents or sister can be costly and sometimes inconvenient. The past six years have done a number on my emotional state what with trying to raise a child, keep a business afloat, and wait for my husband's career to take off. Due to my work constraints, there hasn't always been time or money to drive or fly just for a visit. This does not mean I love them any less, it just makes it difficult to see them and I always end up having to over-explain my reasons while feeling guilty and frustrated. Here is where the situation gets sticky. My sister feels somewhere through the years I have wronged her. The time and distance have taken their toll. When trying to explain and explain myself, her old resentments continue to surface and I am always mud in her eyes. I have tried continually to skirt around her extreme sensitivity and firecracker temperament. For the past 20 years I have beat my head against a wall trying to find a common ground on which to communicate. If I offer advice I'm against her. If I ask questions about her career I'm not supportive and don't know what I'm talking about. If I disagree with any one thing she says I am met with the stinkeye and cold shoulder. I can't tease or joke like I do with in-laws or friends because again, I'm against her. The tantrums over the years have made me feel cold and distant and hesitant to be in her company. I try to live life simply and enjoy the small things without the drama that takes over one's younger years. There is nothing simple or small about my sister. She is intense, hard working, complicated, quick to explode yet extremely loyal and loving to friends and family. Somewhere in there one would think we could work this out. I long for her to be a part of my life, of her nephew's life. I am tired, oh so tired of being the only one liable for the strife in our relationship. Today I asked her why I am always to blame. She didn't think her behavior warranted any reflection. Here lies the big problem. As stated above, it takes 2 to tango. I have prayed that someday my sister would wake up and realize I am not the blue-eyed monster she makes me out to be. I have prayed her insecurities would not play such a big role in our relationship. Unanswered, my prayers fall on deaf ears and nothing changes. Because of this I am letting go. I cannot continue this relationship this way anymore. I love her, will always love her, but the constant drama and tears is exhausting. I'm numb. My words in this post will only anger her more yet I too feel wronged, jipped out of a bond that I've never known. Maybe someday....Good afternoon world.