peace

 Now let me preface this post by saying peace is not a word that I usually associate with your's truly. Apparently it's been on my mind a lot lately considering I just made 2 giant light up peace signs for my store's Christmas windows. Peace is a word that is usually associated with our world or what beauty queens wish for. Peace is not a word that comes to mind when I take a look back over the past 3 tumultuous years. Our economy, job searches, baby boys, endless working, relationships, these are not usually PEACEful topics, but tonight sitting here at my desk writing to you, peace is what I feel. Dare I hope for better times? The past few months have been really nice. Oh Lord, I really I hope I am not jinxing myself. Slowly I feel doors opening again and that makes me feel peaceful. My bills are mostly paid and that makes me feel peaceful. My business is better than its been, yeah yeah, I know it's the holidays, but it's still better. I don't know maybe it's the Christmas glow that is making me feel all warm and fuzzy and I swear I've only had two sips of my wine. I just feel, well, peaceful. Could it be age? Am I suddenly so wisened now that I'm a few months into 41? Does peace only come the closer we get to death? Ugh, that's depressing. Of course talk to me in January when winter's doldrums have set in and everyone in this snow belt takes cover inside and my business slows to a turtle's crawl. I'm sure those posts will be a lot more morose for my misery loves your company. Anyway, let's not go there now. Now I'm feeling happy and positive and as stated peaceful. Christmas is making its merry way into my heart and home working its winter magic. My color wheel is slowly whirring away any lingering troubles. My vintage electric trees are subliminally blinking hope, hope. My big old light up star is announcing happiness with its giant colored bulbs. Now how can I or anyone resist all that merriment? For tonight, at least, I have my world peace. Goodnight world.

good morning

Hello friends! Yes it has been awhile, but I have been extremely busy trying to ready my little shop for the holidays along with clearing out 2 estates, working my other job, and being a mom and wife. I figured this morning was a great time to try to please you with some more of my tales while I am coffee drunk on this crappy french roast that has me buzzing like a fluorescent bulb. This morning is a gloomy rainy Monday. Sometimes these are my favorite days especially when I am fortunate enough to sleep in a little, snuggled down under my comforters with my husband's solid warm body tucked in next to mine. Ah, if only someone could bring us coffee, but seeing that that someone is only 3, it might result in a trip to the hospital and that is NO way to start the day! So now that my business is squared away for the holiday it is now time to start decorating my home. I will need one more cup of this jet fuel to make that happen, but my beautiful 6 ft silver aluminum pom pom tree is about to make its annual appearance. I have my son super stoked to help so this morning could end up being very pleasant or a large lesson in patience for both of us. One never knows with a 3 year old. One minute they are sweet as sugar, than in an instant weird tantrums kick that warm fuzzy feeling right to the curb! Oh yes parenthood. The only way to understand is to be one, a parent that is. Sometimes I feel as unstable as my toddler and have weird tantrums myself.  My husband loves when this happens. So back to decking my halls. As mentioned before I really LOVE Christmas. Not only will there be one giant silver tree, but there are 6 more placed through the house as well. My husband tries to disappear when this occurs. If he doesn't see it than it can't be happening, right? Ah, nothing says Christmas than that sigh that only he has perfected. The sigh of chagrin when he is surrounded by shiny lights, old christmas balls, and trees as he so carefully tiptoes through the melange so as not to break anything and suffer one of his crazy wife's tirades. My living room lights up as big as Vegas. I have tried to be minimal, but I feel you can never have too much Christmas bling. So this gray day is about to get a little brighter with the beginning of my holiday fanaticism. I also have fresh baked cookies on my to do list for the day. A trip to the local indie boutiques and coffee shop is on the agenda as well. Whoa, I think the coffee has just taken me to a new level and I am starting to sweat a little. Time to head to the attic. Good MORNING world.

opportunity

Today was one of those days where opportunity knocked and than kept walking. I suppose my karmic meter gave me enough opportunity last week and said, uh, you've had enough. NO! Just when doors are finally starting to open again and life feels slightly back to normal than today had to go and just not be very extraordinary. I was actually starting to see hope on the horizon rather than just gray skies. It all started with an opportunity to have my business mentioned, but instead I was grouped into that gray area of not important. I understand the reasons why this happened and thought about making a few mentions of my own(taking the opportunity)but I decided to take a higher more mature attitude and leave well enough alone. Whether this will serve me better in the future remains to be seen. Another incident involved a very sparkly pair of "diamonds" found while liquidating. Well they are just glass so there will be no bump in my bank account this week. Oh well. I also had a really great customer come in today and proceed to chat, smile, and than leave. Ugh. I suppose opportunity is a state of mind like looking at the glass half empty or half full. Today it was half empty, but when I think about all the other wonderful opportunities that life has offered lately one could perceive it as the latter. My husband was just hired as an adjunct professor, albeit it's a temporary position, but it is a door opened and for that we are grateful. I have also had the opportunity to liquidate two fantastic estates that will continue to keep my store fabulous and pay my rent another month. My website will be finished sometime this millenium so that is also a good opportunity for my business and our future. See half full. I also know I have been unbelievably blessed with the opportunity to have a beautiful husband and child who keep me happy and fulfilled every day. I suppose the lesson learned here is that opportunity does knock and it's our choice whether to open the door or keep it closed tight. Goodnight world.

junk

Ah, here I sit tired to the bone. I have had the lovely and quite dirty opportunity to liquidate a family member's estate. Now you may read this and think yuck, who wants to do that? Well I'll tell you, ME! Nothing makes me happier than when I am surrounded by old and dusty junk. Chests of drawers, 1950's dinettes, vintage rattan with perfect cushions(do you know how hard it is to find perfect cushions?), lamps, bubble lights, barkcloth, sparkly jewelry and bright colored flower pins, aaahhh, I am like a pig in poop, happy. In a world where we are all trying to be bigger, better, faster, newer, I find comfort in all things old. Tarnished silver is prettier to me than bright and shiny, polished silver. Old floral quilts worn thin from washing are more appealing than new starchy polyester ones. Layer them all for perfect coziness. Old big bulb christmas lights have the best glow during snowy holiday time. My favorite is when they are blanketed in a fresh fall, peeking out from their chilly cover. Now I'm sure I have painted this romantic picture of what I do for work, but that's just it, it IS work, hard, laborsome , dirty work that I love to my core. My life is like one big treasure hunt, picking through garbage, crawling through, well crawl spaces, climbing rickety attic steps and bumping my head for the millionth time. Small spaces that smell like rodents, swiping cobwebs from my lips, trudging through mud, all a part of the job. I've also been known to drive crazy distances to meet up with just as crazy people all for the love of junk. My friend is the same way and together drinking margaritas, buying old crap, we are never happier. One occasion left us locked out of the truck in the cold while she went to find help and came back wrapped in a stinky victorian quilt with some very eccentric stranger(owner of the crazy quilt)in tow, happy to try to sell her the quilt. Um, no thanks, but have a corona. I'm not exactly sure what we purchased in the dark with our flashlights(due to the margaritas)but I do know it was awhile before we stopped laughing. Oh yes, what a life. I suppose as stated before, I could work in a cubicle or for some horrible boss, but that is just not my speed. I swear sometimes people think I don't work because my job is so fun, but hauling, cleaning, displaying, pricing, and selling is just as much work if not more than say putting numbers on a spreadsheet. My husband also enjoys the vibe, most of the time. Like I said before the labor part can grow old. Some days we cannot lift another piece of furniture(like today)yet I know he will happily join his wife for the flea market extravaganza come spring. Junk in the country, nothing better. For now I will busy myself by getting reaquainted with my boxed up finds and try to figure out exactly what that goo is on my rain boot. Good night world.

frustration

I'm sure you all know this feeling, maybe in abundance. Nothing like a horrible gray rainy day, lack of business, and oh, just to add icing to the proverbial cake, a nice big argument with my beloved. Ugh. Today sucked. I can't make any bones about it, it was just a bad day. This 40 days and 40 nights of rain does not improve the mood. I can only hide under my afghans for so long before I am ready to jump off a bridge. Pardon if this post is a bit bitter, but like I said it was a BAD day and you all know how I love my wine, so bestie and I partook in a few lovely glasses while our wild ones ran amok. My frustration lies again in the lack of education jobs and my mental capacity to perform my waitressing tasks. Lets put it this way, when you are 41 and have a lot going on the ability to handle whiney adults and whiney employees(sometimes interchangeable) takes a better, younger person than I. I am working overtime to promote my tiny business in a really CRAPPY economy and I tend to see red when I feel my beloved is not living up to his potential. As stated before the situation is not his fault, but if I feel any slight slacking on his part I tend to act like Martha Stewart and excuses are NOT an option. Discussing this matter only leads to defiance and brooding. Again, ugh. Couple this with a cold that WILL NOT GO AWAY and leaves me hacking like a 2 pack a day smoker is enough to make me jump out of my skin! I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy keeps taking the football away from him....AARRGGHHH!! Apparently I am also enjoying the caps lock key on my keyboard. I just want to know when enough is enough? When do I get to stop dragging myself from job to job to support this family? Isn't this a team effort? I know I will continue to keep the momentum going, but I would really like to concentrate on ONE job, the one that really makes me get out of bed each day, customers or no customers, my business.  There is also my beautiful son. I guess I should have mentioned him first, but you know he's not a job to me so I don't group him into that category. In a few months I will be done working Friday nights. I will miss the income, but in the grand scheme of things, really, 300 extra dollars a month is not a big price to pay to hang out with him and not have to schlepp from job to sitter to job to sitter to home. I think pizza and t.v. and bonding time with him sounds much nicer. So my frustration lies in my situation yet again, hence the reason for this whole blog of mine, and how to make our life a little nicer and a little easier. I suppose I could just give up my little business that I love like my own family and work in a cubicle from 9 to 5 and feel a little piece of myself die each day or I could hang in there, try to have patience, and hope for better days. I guess you all know the answer to that one(in case you don't the cubicle is NOT an option) and thank God and Buddha for my best friend and her ability to provide comfort, conversation, and most important mommy's little helper(that would be wine). Thanks Cay. I love you. Goodnight world.

food for thought

Fried chicken, mac and cheese, waffles, bacon, are you drooling yet? Such were this morning's brunch delights. As I shoved a spoonful of warm gooey cheesy goodness into my bro-in-law's mouth, his eyes closed in sheer delight. The occasion for this fat fete was my brother in law's birthday. If you asked me his age I couldn't tell you, but it was just the excuse I needed to whip up some comfort soul food to enjoy this beautiful Sunday. It really doesn't take much to please a man, just fry something and they are instantly happy, hey who am I kidding, if you put a plate of fried food in front of me I'm the same way! Over the years, being married to a part-time chef has given me the ability to become a better cook. I have always enjoyed cooking and even entertained the idea of culinary school. That idea quickly dissipated the minute I set foot in the kitchen of my first real restaurant job. Being a girl, gross was the only thought that popped into my head. Cooking on a line is dirty, stinky and labor intensive. Not only are you cooking food at an extremely fast rate, but you have egomaniacal chefs and psycho servers to deal with as well. The hours are long and the clean up at night's end appears endless. My husband does this four times a week. He does it with such aplomb that you know he's been working it too long. Somehow he manages(usually) to not let the nightly insanity drive HIM insane. I have seen him launch a chair out the kitchen's back door when a server wasn't doing their job, but that story is for another day. Kitchen work is not all glory and Wolfgang Puck. You have to do your time, work your way up and than if you're lucky someone gives you a break and puts you in charge. The headaches don't stop there, oh no, than you have to please your customers. Cooking for the general public makes for one slippery slope. You want to show off your creativity yet somehow please them as well(if you want to make money that is), but not everyone loves foie gras or sweetbreads or that freakin pasta special that won't go away. Ah, what can I say, glad I didn't follow that path. Cooking for me and for most I would imagine is about your senses. Chocolate and cinnamon and red wine. Pasta and tomato and garlic. You get the picture. Being creative I am ruled by my senses. This is not always a good thing. Practicality tends to fall by the wayside when I am confronted with overwhelming sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. When I smell a good pepperoni pizza I swear I positively swoon. This morning's feast had that ability as well. When I took my first bite of that damn mac and cheese I almost slobbered it was so good. I could also feel my derriere expanding as well, in fact I think my pants ARE tighter this evening. Oh well, small price to pay for something so divine, I'll run tomorrow. Food is healing, comforting, even sexual. Oysters and vodka. Lobster, saffron, champagne and caviar. Life gets so crazy that sometimes a big cheeseburger is the only way to make us happy. Well after that meal this morning, I don't think I'll be eating a cheeseburger anytime soon, but just the thought of it makes me smile. . and drool a little. Goodnight world. Oh and happy birthday brother-in -law of mine.

cluttered

Now that my son has started school and we have all settled into the autumn groove, I find I have a few more hours of free time on my hands. I used to start my day at the shop with the countdown until dear one got there. . two hours, hour and a half, thirty minutes, fifteen minutes and oh, here he is, time to start chasing for the next three hours. Ugh. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to see his beautiful face, it was just that I knew any project or craft started had to be stopped until I had time to pick it back up again(some never to reappear). His arrival meant it was now time for blocks and trucks and pretend time. If anyone at this age can tell me they seriously enjoy playing toddler games than they are a better person than I. So now I find myself with not 2 but 4 beautiful peaceful hours to myself. The downside to this equation is that I CANNOT shut my brain off. It is so packed full of ideas, future displays and events, projects, and crafts to make that I feel like my head is going to explode off my neck like a rocket into space. Couple this with the upcoming holidays I not only have to think about the store, but also Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving side dishes, Christmas gifts, shopping for said gifts, Christmas Eve cooking not to mention social plans and babysitters. If this isn't enough I still have to work my other job, maybe even more than usual because well it will be the holidays and people love to eat out. Holidays also bring about holiday decorating and since you all know how much I LOVE Christmas, this house gets transformed into a 1950's aluminum tree wonderland! Oh and did I mention the baking. Oh quit your whining I'm sure you're thinking, women have been doing this for years and with even bigger families than mine, but being a selfish society I am only thinking about all MY work that will have to be done. Don't let me fool you, down deep I really love the whirlwind of activity, but as I sit here in the beginning of October I feel a little anxiety approaching thinking about all that will need to be done.
On top of my cluttered brain, I can't help but notice my cluttered house including basement and attic. I also have a cluttered basement at the store. Well it's actually a hoarders wet dream, but not to this hoarder. I just see one big cluttered mess. My husband keeps saying I have to go down there and throw all that shit out, but when I stand at the top of the steps and peer into the blackness(most of the lights are out)I just get tired and go upstairs. AAARRGH!!! That is how I feel when I think of cleaning basements and attics. I DON'T want to do that in my free time, who does??!! I do have to give a giant shout out to my husband who took a big successful stab at decluttering our attic. At least it's a start. Now I can see why people sell it all and move to Florida. In Florida all you need is a bathing suit and air conditioning. Until that day comes I suppose I will just have to put up with my cluttered brain, business, and abode. Anyone need a broken typewriter? Goodnight world.

evening song

Perhaps the time of day I enjoy as much as the morning is twilight time. Evening is a peaceful time, a time to reflect on the day's happenings. Just as a cup of morning coffee blasts off my day, my evening libation rounds out the last few hour's rough edges. Nothing is better than hearing the crickets chirp while my dishwasher happily purrs away the day's dirt, toys are properly placed, rooms are tidied, order has been restored to life's daily chaos. This is the time of day where I MUST empty my mind . My mother is one to just sit and think. She can spend hours just "thinking". I don't get it. I think all the time, at night I don't want to think anymore. Evening allows my comfort. While my husband works and my child sleeps I can just be. No demands placed. I can sit on my porch with cerveza in hand and an occasional cigarette (sorry we all have our vices) and be happy just watching the cars go down our street. In the winter I love to bundle in as many granny afghans as possible and cocoon myself against the world, hunkered down with my favorite trashy television or novel. I don't dare pick up a magazine because it starts the alien ship roar of my brain, gearing up for new ideas and a new day. Like I said, I must empty all that is up in that crazy head of mine. Being a creative person I need this time. The daily barrage of ideas and colors that define my business hit me like Serena at Wimbledon. I can almost hear a soft thud each time an idea lands in my gray matter. This writing venture I have set out upon seems to not only clear my head, but calm me as well. Strange, being that it is more creative fodder. I suppose whatever works to clear away daily clutter. This my friends is why I still have lots more to say so tune in next time. Goodnight world.

changing seasons

Armed with a wallet full of gift cards, my girlfriend and I set out Sunday to our local mall to do some damage. Being that the mall is one of these faux city outdoor malls we were able to enjoy the sunshine in between our spending. Store after store promised cozy sweaters, delicious outerwear, jeans in every style and boots, endless boots. So much fabulosity I had to physically clamp my jaw shut to keep the drool from spilling. One problemo. .it was almost 80 degrees. Now how am I supposed to get my fall fashion on when I'm sweating bullets under my chic poncho?!!  Summer has ended, indian or not it is over! I want to wear my extreme cowl neck sweaters and cropped Anthropologie pants. I want to put on my jewel toned clothes and welcome the chillier temps. Oh well. Wait for next week or tomorrow. The one nice or not so nice thing about the midwest and especially here by the lake, you never know when the weather can change. It has been 50 degrees in July for God's sake! 70 in February. Winter thaws followed by winter squalls. Ugh. We all say we're retiring to Florida, but then where would we vacation, oh that's right, Mexico. Anyway I couldn't live with eternal sunshine. I need gray rainy days or snowy stuck in the house blizzards. This type of weather truly is "chicken soup for the soul" only I like to think of it as chocolate cake or snickerdoodles or lasagna and garlic bread for the soul! Any cloud in the sky is my excuse to pull out the Joy of Cooking and make the house smell warm and cozy. Bring on the pumpkin, cinnamon, gingerbread, squash, pine, firesmoke, cool night air. Divine treats for our changing seasons senses.
After fall comes winter and to me that means one thing. . Christmas! I love Christmas! I love the glow of colored lights and anything covered in glitter. I love to bake cookies and store them in the freezer with warning notes to my husband not to eat 'til Christmas! I especially love presents, well hey let's be honest, don't we all(new gift cards hint, hint). I of course love to receive gifts, but now that I'm a mom I love to shop for my son especially. I have to say apple doesn't fall far from this tree for he also loves presents and I love to spoil him. My husband too gets spoiled. I can't help it. I hold back all year and Christmas is a time to go big, well as big as I am able. Thankfully not owning one credit card doesn't leave me in huge debt come January, but cash only goes so far.
Well after Christmas there is just winter and that means January. Does anyone like January, yuck, I don't even want to think about that. Honestly, can we please stop making resolutions that we have no intention of keeping? Maddening. Lose weight or don't, save money or don't, get organized or DON'T!!!! While you all are trying to keep to your half-assed resolutions, I will be ice skating or sled riding or skiing. Anything to combat the winter doldrums and where I live the seasonal depression disorder or in other words, the winter doldrums! Well my fine friends, I am going to leave you with that to chew on. I just don't even want to think about what comes after January, at least not until May when our fair city welcomes the sunshine back. So for now light a fire and enjoy the falling temperatures because we're all gonna be complaining come February! Goodnight world.

what matters

Over the past three years my life has had some big changes. I had a child, lost my father-in-law(a wonderful man), my husband's career is pending, and the economy crashed making my business(and income)very erratic. I even lost my old faithful canine, my friend. I know, I know this is just life. Life throws you curveballs, yadda, yadda, yadda. Through these past 3 years, I've had time to evaluate and REevaluate our situation. The financial crisis has not just affected my family and I, but the whole world as well. We have been forced to minimize our lifestyles, to check ourselves, figure out what's important. Little "luxuries" like four dollar coffees have gone by the wayside, saved for special days. Take-out lunches or dinners have also taken a back seat. Vacations have been put on hold while we work more, get paid less, and try to figure this all out. We drive ourselves crazy holding onto hope. We have heard big promises by big politicians yet nothing seems to happen. As another job falls through we tell ourselves we have our health, our homes, we are lucky. This is little consolation to our spoiled society. We are used to having what we want when we want it. I am under the opinion that this giant financial snarl had to happen. Our lives had become excessive. Did we need to drive giant vehicles(Hummers, really?) while we fight oil baring countries in a war where the reason for the fight has been forgotten? Our winter migration left Florida in the sand while we took ourselves to more exotic locales to escape the lingering cold. Couldn't afford it, who cares put it on the plastic! Everything paid on credit. So silly, so ridiculous. It is only as an adult that I can realize how crazy all these expenditures are. Believe me I want to  travel, go shopping, do "normal" things like going out to dinner, but are all these things really THAT important or are we just made to believe they are by the media hype that surrounds us daily? Our high tech lives have left us unable to communicate on an interpersonal basis. We can't even take the time to spell out full words when messaging. We tap our feet impatiently while waiting in lines that aren't even long enough to become impatient. Our manners have been forgotten, doors don't get held, people don't say please or thank you, and PLEASE don't get me started on littering!
Well, now that I've had my say on this cyber soapbox, I leave you with the reason for my rant. Rich or poor we are all here together. I believe it is the "little things" that matter most. I DO believe that holding the door for someone is important, saying please and thank you go a long way, and really is it that hard to keep our terra verde clean?? No, I suppose these small gestures won't save our economy, but hopefully they WILL help us make this awkward time together a little nicer. Goodnight world.

school daze

Three years ago my son came home screaming. After having many many years of our fun, my husband and I took a look at my biological clock and decided now or never. Well it didn't take that long to make it "now" and nine months later our lovely was born. Beautiful and perfect in every way we thought what could be better than this? After 3 years spent doing all the usual baby stuff(diapers, formulas, no sleep) we still feel the same. Now comes school. Giddy with excitement our little family set off for Sully's first day of pre- k. As we turned to leave(he never even noticed)my husband and I were like kids in a candy store. Freedom! Two and a half blessed hours all to ourselves! What do we do now? Whoa, deja vu! That question was oddly reminiscent of the same question we asked ourselves when Sully came home for the first time, opened his tiny mighty lungs and made his presence known. Well I'll tell you what this mother did, got in the car, freedom forgotten, and cried. Now I am sure I am no different than any other mother on THEIR child's first day of school, but I had prepared for this, I was ready. I had been wishing for preschool ever since he started to walk. You see, due to financial constraints daycare was not an option so Sully started going to work with me at just 2 weeks old. When I was pregnant I had all these romantic notions about how wonderful it would be for him to grow up in mama's store. Yeah right, those notions went right out the window the minute he became mobile. Growing up in mama's store was like letting a German loose at Oktoberfest! It was one big delight for his burgeoning senses. No amount of paint or crayons or find cool stuff in the basement game could keep him out of my wares. I was never surprised to look up from my desk and see furniture being "artfully" rearranged(you think I'm kidding?) or one favorite moment was the pyre of new merchandise piled on the floor. Even better was the look of sheer terror on grandparent's faces as Sully tore out the open front door to visit the neighbors. So many daily instances had me as nervous as a cat on water. People would ask me, "How do you do it?" Um, I cry. So we have arrived, the moment I've been waiting for, preschool. Not so much my independence, but his as well. Kids, kids, kids he happily sang upon entering his new school. Oh shit, there go the waterworks, jeesh, I wanted this so why do I feel this way?
So now day 2 has ended. I had my first day at the shop all to myself, just the way I wanted it, so what did I do all day? I thought about dear one. I worried if he was happy, making friends, the usual mom thoughts. I counted the minutes until school ended. As I waited for my turn in the serpentine of suvs I caught a glimpse of my child looking dazed and tired, holding the teacher's hand searching each car for mama, mama. Mamas' here my love, mama never left you. Goodnight world.

wild things

As I sit at my desk listening to the crickets play their evening tune I reflect upon another day, a day at the zoo with my son. Free day at the zoo opens many doors to all walks of life, creatures excluded. It is a chance to see true human interaction at its finest. I have to marvel at the diverse crowds of people that turn child-like(myself included) at the opportunity to watch nature do, well, not much. Free day at the zoo encourages we humans to coexist, at least for a few hours, in relative simpatico. This leads me to wonder, how does said institution instill this kind of peace that tends to elude our daily lives? Are we no different than the animals that we feel at home in this environment? Are our homes, cars, careers, and many obligations just our cages? We as human creatures are at our core simply wild things struggling to stay civilized in harsh times. Times when impatience and frustration may build barriers in lines of communication. We go to work, we do the daily grind. We make nice with bosses and coddle cranky coworkers while inside we are secretly kicking and screaming and beating our chests. Not unlike our primal beginnings. If only we COULD kick our bosses every now and than, probably not a good idea though. Is survival of the fittest merely our ability to carry on while tackling our daily disasters? Getting up from the mat when we've been beat down ensures our capability to go forth each day with a new attitude and hopefully refrain from kicking anyone. Goodnight world.

master or servant?

In the year 2000 my husband and I wed and started our life together. Not quite ready for children we took the next logical step and bought a dog. Oh, but not just any dog, mind you, we HAD to have a LARGE dog. As the years went by our English Mastiff Orson grew to giant slobbery proportions. Giant feet repeatedly tracked dirt and poo through the house. Weekly wall(and ceiling) washings removed dried drool that sprayed from his giant shaking head like an elephant at a watering hole. Walking our beast would inevitably leave me tethered to some poor unsuspecting stranger or dragged behind while Orson fled numerous terrifying strollers and bicycles. These encounters always left me dazed and wondering WTF while Orson cowered next to me. Not to be left behind, large one accompanied us on every vacation, family outing, and even going to work with yours truly. One particular road trip had us gaping in awe as our sweaty panting animal proceeded to open his giant maw and deposit a whole corn cob on the backseat. Gross. Through all Orson was our baby. Our family wasn't complete without him. His epic proportions only gave us more to love. So many sick days were spent with him tucked against my body in our not so big bed. Bad days left me crying in his fur. Summer days had us drenched with lake water and itchy from sand while winter had us taking long quiet walks in the snow. Sadly as all love stories go Orson left this mortal coil after ten and a half happy years. Nine months later I still find myself crying as I write this.
Now I have a squirrel. A skittish creature that lives in my backyard and has grown quite accustomed to peanut butter bread. If he doesn't hear my voice he stares in my window until I acknowledge his presence with the morning treat.
I also have fish in a pond, a pond that had to be reconfigured and dug deeper as to save them from marauding night creatures. Another 6 mouths to feed. Six mouths that hover together each morning waiting for THEIR breakfast. Okay, coffee for mama, check, cereal for Sully, check, coffee for daddy, check, toast for squirrel, food for fish, check and check! Geesh, all these creatures big and small makes me wonder, am I the master of this domain or merely a servant to my surrounding fauna?
Whether it be dog, squirrel or fish, these quirky creatures start my day with a smile and the chance to watch tiny wild claws take food from my hand fills me with glee. Could be worse ways to start my day. Goodnight world.

family

Whoa, this post may just need several refills on the vino to handle this bunch of tricky subjects. Nothing brings family together more than a birthday and this time it was my 3 year olds. Now if you haven't read my previous posts let me update you by saying that birthdays to this mom are a big deal and my one and only deserved not one but three special days. Hey, only child so my right to spoil. It was like a birthday channukah up in here! Well after just two days of indulging my precious, by the third day my nerves were a bit raw. Not the best frame of mind when welcoming mother, father, father's girlfriend, and mother-in-law to celebrate dear one's glory. You know I poured some strong drinks for this partay! Let me tell you, after the running commentary about sleeping arrangements, bad gift choices(skateboard), time for cake?, embarrassing old photos, time for cake?, etc..this mother promptly went upstairs and puked up her cake. Now I suppose the reason for my gastric upheaval may have been the inordinate amount of junk food this 41 year old should not have injested, but I do know the tidal wave of nerves in my belly contributed as well. See, I like to think that the many facets of our familial dispositions can partake in celebration in relative harmony. I suppose this is extremely idealistic of me to wish this. Even though my parents have been divorced for years and say they are friendly the thought of all of us in one room together still causes a knot to form in my gut. I try to assuage this by having positive thoughts and drinking more wine. Doesn't work. Some gatherings are better left one on one rather than the whole posse. It is far easier for moi to love and appreciate each family member this way. I may complain but lest we forget the reason for said celebration, my son's birthday. What mattered most was his happiness. I believe the smile on his sleepy face was all the proof this mom needed. Happy birthday my love. Goodnight world.

flashback

My day began with an unexpected invite that had me jumping into my car and heading back-to-school. No I am not continuing my education(although my parents would love that)I was destination bound for Kent, Ohio on the hunt for a fabulous vintage leopard sofa and to spend time with a favorite cohort.
Kent State University was where I spent the better part of 4 years. Degree? No way Jose! It only took me 4 years, 4 different majors and 2 forced hiatus' (my parent's wierd decision) to make me realize higher education was not my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, college was great, I LOVED to party! I loved to skip class. I loved to ditch my paid for duties,drink coffee and solve ALL the world problems. Really though, oceanography, who cares? College algebra, speech, geology, PUHLEASE! Yes, I know I sound like a terrible role model for wayward teens, but come on I did do SOMETHING w/ my life. I did turn out just fine. I managed to take what I was born with, my creativity, and turn it into my passion and a way to bring home the bacon. Lean bacon at times yes, but bacon none the less. I really don't think that piece of paper was my key to happiness. Finding my way, though it's been difficult, has made me happy because what I do comes from me not an institution. My husband is a huge proponent of college education and yes I do think it's the smart(pardon my pun)way to go, just not for me. Driving around campus today did not have me yearning for my old classes and professors, but for a moment I was wistful for a simpler time. Life can just downright suck at moments and remembering that unencubered freedom put a smile on my face. Alas though I bid my mate adieu, pointed my car north and drove home. See you can go back to school if only for a couch and a cup of coffee. Goodnight world.

birthdays

Well here I sit on the eve of my 41st birthday. I don't feel the need to reflect on all 41 years, but to wonder the importance of such a day. My husband is under the belief that birthdays are no big deal, that life should be celebrated every day not just one "special" day of the year. Wow, how do you argue w/logic like that? On the other hand, and this is where my astrological work up comes into play, shouldn't we celebrate the all important day we were born? Shouldn't we surround ourselves w/friends and family who are happy that we exist? Aren't birthdays so important they take over not only the day, but the week, and sometimes the whole month? Now I certainly don't go to those extremes, but I do feel that at least one day, THE day should be all about me! My husband jokes that I celebrate the whole week, not so, but am I to reject plans others have made for me because he thinks it silly and unneccessary? Everyone has different ideas on how to rejoice in their BIG day. I have friends who go big w/fancy parties and trips to exotic locales while others are content w/quiet dinners or drinks on the porch. My special day plans are determined by my mood, finances, and weather. Being a summer baby I love to be outside preferably in the water, by the water or on the water. That is my idea of a perfect birthday. So I suppose no matter how you decide to tear it up on your big day, week or even month, revel in the fact that you do exist, you are loved and if this birthday sucks, hey there's always next year! Goodnight world.

love and marriage

Yes, I'm going there. I will try to tackle this ever tricky subject though not in a Dr. Phil/couples therapy kind of way. I've been doing a lot of driving lately so playing new music lessens the boredom. I find I am especially haunted by Alexi Murdoch's Away We Go soundtrack. There is one song in particular that makes me bawl like a baby. In short the line of the song that triggers my emotions goes as follows"If I can't be all that I can be, will you wait for me?" You see my husband and I have been together almost 15 years, whoo feels like we just met, and have endured many different careers together. Well actually he has sampled many different "careers". There was catering, cooking, making pasta, and even a quick jaunt in a garden center, so you can imagine my excitement when he proclaimed he was going to be a teacher. My husband was born to teach. He has a soft story-like way of recreating history or even his day that leaves you wanting more. Lets face it, if he can teach this rockhead about the Vietnam War, he can teach anyone. After 4 years of part-time master's program and a year of student teaching, he was graduated and ready for a job. Ah, there lies the rub. Job, what job? Unfortunately our education system is undergoing some wierd metamorphosis and once bountiful jobs have become scarce. To my dismay. See I was all ready to quit my restaurant job and just run my store and be a mom. Simplify. At this stage in my life simplicity and stability are what I  long for. So lack of jobs became a bone of contention on the homefront causing many an argument. Now I am a sensible person albeit an impatient one. I understand this roadblock is NOT his fault, but it doesn't make me feel any better. This leads back to the song line. Through all the many phases of our life together, the one constant is that I love my husband more than all the money in the world. If he can't be all that he was made to be, yes I will wait for him, for in his love is my salvation. Thank you Alexi for making me see the light. Goodnight world.

wine or whine.

Aha thought that might get your attention! Well now that my day is almost over and I am snuggly in my pajamas I am going to attempt to write and leave you wanting more of my wisdom. Hee hee. As I stare at this screen and think about writing of loftier subjects like love or marriage(don't worry it's coming soon) I suffer slight writer's block. This perplexes me after the barrage of ideas that left me jotting notes while driving. Here you thought texting and driving was a bad idea, just try using your dashboard as a desk, whoa, just missed that truck. So anyway here I sit getting slowly eaten alive by child size mosquitoes that have found a hole in a screen somewhere in this old house. . WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM??? Lord, off the subject again, not only writer's block but A.D.D. as well! I sit and sip my wine and think thank the Lord or Buddha for mommy's little helper. My bff and I have been doing babysitting swapping so we can save money. Well it's a great idea, but after an already long day, taking care of 2 beautiful boys just makes the day even longer. Especially when my own precious one never took a nap and proceeded to have very strange tantrums over a big red ball. Ok, crazy, time for a bath and BED! One down one to go. So I sat down to write, relax, and drink my wine and the 8 yr old tells me to be careful aunt Robin you don't want to get drunk. Well, yes, honey, as a matter of fact, I want to do just that. Unfortunately as good as that may sound I will just end up w/one outrageous migraine and spend the day staring down the toilet water. You see with 2 jobs, a child, and well you know the rest, there is nothing like a glass of wine at the end of a day. It doesn't have to be the best, it just has to do the trick. Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoy VERY GOOD EXPENSIVE wine, but a 5.99 bottle works just as well. A glass of wine can make me forget the llama almost biting my child, moving carloads of furniture for the store, 2 unbelievably exhausting shifts at the restaurant including a friendly rodent making new friends on the patio and even the endless stories and questions from an 8 yr old boy at 10:00 p.m. Ah salvation, it appears my bestie has arrived and my duties are over for the day and now it is time to fil my glass. Goodnight world.

live to work?

So while talking to my mother today I was dismayed to learn she had quit her NEW job. After 15 increasingly disgruntled years at her OLD job she finally got the gumption to leave and strike out on her own. The new "perfect" job appeared a dream come true! A decorator by trade she would be working w/others in her field. After excitedly arriving she was quickly shown her desk and told how to answer the phones. . what..wait??? Answer phones??!!! I'm sorry is this 1962? Are we watching a Mad Men episode? Wait you hired me as a receptionist?? I'm a decorator!! Well my tiny mother in her big shoes promptly took one giant step out that shiny glass door. . and cried.
This whole scenario leads me to wonder about careers, jobs, and work. What is the difference? What makes us stay at some jobs year after year or walk out after only 5 minutes? Do we work to live or live to work? This is the question we constantly ask ourselves after bad days and good. Take my jobs for instance, I own my own business and I work for a boss. My business is my life. I love it. It's what I do and know. I do not have a college degree(I really hate school). Fortunately I take after my mother's creative side. My other job waiting tables I also love, most of the time. When one has 2 jobs serving the general public it tends to wear on your nerves. There are days I go into my store and make no money and than go to the restaurant and make a ton of money. There are days in my store where I clean up and nights at the restaurant that bomb. Those are usually the nights I would like to dump red wine all over that one irritating pompous guest that just doesn't understand that I DON"T COOK THE FOOD I JUST SERVE IT!!! Jeesh. Those are the times when work is just work and I would happily do something else if I knew what to do. I know, why am I complaining when I am lucky enough to have not one, but 2 jobs in this crazy economy. Two jobs doesn't mean job security it just means I work more. Is it really work if I own it and it makes me happy? Does this make it a career? Is it really work when I make good tips? I suppose what I'm trying to say is good days or bad, we all work to live and hopefully get to be fortunate enough to live to work.

poo.

Well here I sit, day 2 of this writing adventure of mine, I reflect upon my day and the craziness that is my life. After a slew(sp?) of troublesome phone calls that began my day I had the opportunity to sit on my back porch and watch my child happily play in the driveway. Feeling somewhat calm all considering the morning events I thought how nice to just sit and enjoy the simplicity of child's play. . . yeah right!! As I was feeling blissful I watched my son bend over and procede to do his dirty business right there on the concrete! Yuck, Gross, WTF were the first 3 exclamations that came to mind, nevermind the fact that at least he did pull his undies down so as not to mess them, I suppose I should give credit where it is due. The big picture being that my son just took a shit in my driveway! Well I have never had children before so this is all new to me and poo is just well poo, it's gross anyway its served. After dealing with the mess and getting my husband out of bed to deal w/his crazy wife I had time to actually sit down, drink my coffee and yes, laugh. If we remember anything in life, let it be the ability to find humour in the smallest situations. Since the economy decided to take a nose dive down the crapper and tensions can tend to run high at home my husband and I have blessedly found the ability to laugh at life. Don't get me wrong it's not all roses, but when you have found your soulmate and can stay on the same page the majority of time than I suppose life ain't all that bad. This my friends is why I am able to get out of bed each day because sometimes life is positively beautiful and sometimes, well, there is just poo. Goodnight world.

vacation blues

Hello! Fresh off a fabulous vacation, I came home to a slurry of new worries and of course the big one REALITY! I am not one to sit and write about my troubles or anything for that matter, but my husband has had enough of my complaining the past 24 hours to last a lifetime. He has his own concerns for his future and how we continue to keep our house, business, cars, etc. So in the meantime I figured it would be therapeutic and hopefully amusing as well to write on about how to stay sane and not end up in rehab during these troublesome times. I will need to take a break to refresh my brain w/ a tropical concoction and dream of that sandy beach and ocean breeze that now has me in the doldrums considering I am back home in my lovely gray city.
So here I sit facing this computer screen and hoping it will knock these BROKEdown blues right out of me or I might just have to make another cocktail. Let me just hit you up w/some background. I own my own business and work as a waitress part time. My business is a wonderful little vintage home decor boutique. The past 2 weekends had big events scheduled where I was banking on making, well, bank. Not to be. It would just so happen that stupid stock market had to lose all it had gained and therefore my scheduled earning were not up to par, ugh, now how do I pay my damn rent and that gas bill that NEVER goes away?!! Grovel. Call the landlord(for the 3rd time)don't cash that check! So sick of doing that. Anyway after a lot of crying and soul searching(I take my business way too personally, hey what do you want, I'm a Leo!) I decided to just chalk it up, keep doing what I do, and now I write. The other part of this equation would be my husband's endless job search, for trying to be a teacher in a society where everyone now hates teachers is rough. So there he cooks in a hot kitchen and works for health insurance and little else. Now do you see my frustration?!
Anyway, I know my troubles pale in comparison to others, but when you are trying to just make a damn decent existence and have to wonder when your income will come flowing in(it's trickeling at this moment) you tend to panic and perceive your troubles as the ONLY troubles in these times. Please excuse my selfishness, but seeing that I'm not trying to save the world just my family, I hope you understand. On that note I will sign off for the evening and save more of my story for tomorrow. We haven't even gotten to the taking your kid to work chat. Until then, good night world.